Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Experiment

For those who know me, my love-hate relationship with facebook is no secret and nothing new. All the feelings come in waves and the hate wave was strong with this election season (among other things) and then two things happened. 1) I read this article and 2) I worked my way through Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer for a second time this year.

I want, desperately, what the author of the article says happened for her. All of it. Cleaner house, completed projects, less stuff and more people.

And I believe, truly, what Priscilla Shirer says about Satan. That he wants me distracted. He plots and schemes to distract us.

So, I (mostly) quit facebook about 20 days ago. And I've read 6 books. And my house IS cleaner. And I AM catching up on some projects. And I am seeing more people. My life isn't where I want it yet but it's moving in the right direction!

I still don't want to totally give it up. I have kept family and far away people for the time being. And there are a handful of close people (both literally and figuratively) that I miss "sharing" more with. BUT I am missing it a lot (A LOT LOT) less than I thought I would.

Oh, and I've stayed in groups! Foster support, Buy/Sell/Trades, LulaRoe. You know. The important things ;)

So. I would say I'm loving this experiment. And that it will evolve over time. Always. But, I've set the parameter of my birthday, the end of "my" year, until I'm allowed to "go back" in anyway. Maybe by then I'll be completely done with it? Or ready to use it moderately instead of addictively?

Monday, July 18, 2016

The year of less


diminish
[dih-min-ish]
verb (used with object): to make or cause to seem smaller, less, less important, etc.; lessen; reduce

This is my word for the year: DIMINISH

I want pretty much everything about my life to be less. Not everything, not the important things, just all the other things. And, well, me.

I want less stuff. Less weight. Less stress. Less less less. 

I want our house to be wrapped up. I want to fulfill my IOUs and outstanding commitments. I want MARGIN. I want the BEST

I want clean slates and breathing room. I want maintenance instead of projects. 

I want people instead of to-dos. 

Ironically, this means a year of to-dos. Wrapping things up, giving things up.

Actually doing instead of just list making. But of course this requires a list. Or I will forget. Lose track. Be right here again in 365.

This is the year of me. shrinking. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Connected

I knew fostering would be an emotional roller coaster. I just didn't know these particular emotions would be the ones showing up. Today has held a lot of tears. I'm blaming the 5 a.m. wake up. And God.

Today was ROUGH with mostly Sullivan but Griffin too. Sullivan is, and always has been, so agressive. I call him an asshole, jerk, bully (not to his face of course! Well, not often to his face.) Our neighbors named him Wreck-It Ralph within days of meeting him. Griffin's ears and emotions seem to be broken lately.

Today I left a friend's house and cried almost the whole way home because Sullivan hits so much. And I've tried everything, even hitting back and I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure and doubt. The voices in my head repeating all the negative things lovely people have spoken to me (sarcasm font).

Then this evening we got another call, actually we got multiple calls but we answered one with a yes! I put 4 little boys to bed and 1 big girl. (Daddy is sick and not much help). And then I sat on the couch and cried again because the whole day just felt redeemed. Not perfect, HA! Is there even such a thing with littles? Redeemed because I know God made me FOR THIS. And those voices in my head, even though they were initially spoken by real people are NOT The Voice of Truth.
I cried too because this is HARD. 24/7 and heartbreaking. And just plain sad.

Rough day, good ending. Instrumental worship music and bed are calling my name since 5 am is going to be here waywayway too soon.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

You gotta do

Have you ever known exactly what God is asking you to do but you just.don't.wanna?

Yeaaaah.

No, he's not asking me to do anything like sell all our stuff and move to somewhere humid as missionaries.

No, it's much (MUCH) worse than that.

He's telling me I have to be a morning person.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Isn't that just the worst thing? Ever?! Sigh.

All joking aside, I am pretty heartbroken over this. But it's been building and now instead of whispering to my heart, He's throwing bricks at my head.

This is going to be so hard for me I decided I needed to go "public" with it. I'm going to rely on accountability so look for some fun mocking photos of my pathetic self in the next couple of days/weeks as I navigate this change. I'm starting tomorrow. It's going to be ugly.

Why? Because I truly believe HE is telling me that it will change everything. Everything that I'm praying for, everything that I'm struggling with. Everything.

And I want victory.


Sunday, August 2, 2015

What's it going to take?

I wonder how much I have to hate facebook before getting rid of it altogether?

I wonder what will finally push me over the edge?

Ugh.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

35

I did it! I made it to 35 :) This was hands down a fantastic year. There were of course the normal ups and downs, some pretty big hurts still linger and need resolution but nothing can take away how awesome my journey from 34 to 35 was.

One of the big themes that emerged (and was even the topic of a book I read) was that saying YES to one thing requires a NO (or two...or more) to other thing(s). Mid-way through my year, I picked a focus word for 2015- well, I couldn't settle on just one and picked three: Intentional, Deliberate, and Purposeful. As I've focused on my 35by35 list, I've automatically become better at saying NO to things that don't help me live the life I want. I watch almost zero TV now, and don't miss it. I facebook differently (way less) and feel like any sort of addiction there has been broken. 

I am different. 

I'm sure some would look at my 35by35 list and say I was unsuccessful. Not everything is checked off. Many things are only partially finished. Some not even begun. However, I am so profoundly happy with this last year and what I consider my success.

I made progress on so many things that I've wanted to do for so long. I now have some frames on some of my walls! They don't have pictures in them yet but they are up! We updated our wills and added Sullivan...and then notarized the old ones, doh!! So, yeah, still need to get the updated ones notarized. I read THIRTY-FOUR books, many of those have been sitting on my shelves for years just waiting for me!! (I'm part-way through two others, so I almost made my read 35 books goal). We are SO CLOSE to being licensed to foster! 

I did actually complete a few things 100%. I read through the Bible again, I haven't done this since babies- so almost 5 years and I missed it. I probably did it for 6 years straight before that. I finished a puzzle I started the day Sullivan was born, took a Pole Dancing class, I sewed something (actually some thingS, plural!). 

And I let go of a lot. I can't always predict how a year is going to turn out and what will actually be important. Some things just didn't matter as much as time went on, like participating in a babywearing ballet class, Others are mutually exclusive. I can't master a cash-only (Dave Ramsey style) budget and pay for everything I wanted to do like tatoos, building planter boxes, etc. Time was another limited resource...unfortunately I have to sleep at some point ;)

Other things were adapted. I put on the list "One silent and solitary day" but what developed was a new habit of nightly quiet time. It's marvelous. I get everyone asleep and then sneak out to our reading room and read, plan, pray, dream, make lists, etc. I never took a silent day, I didn't feel like I "needed" it in the same way I did when I added it to the list. 

I don't know if I'll do this kind of list making and goal setting every year for the rest of my life but for now, I'm definitely not ready to give it up. There's that saying, "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime." Well, having goals to aim at, even if you miss a "bulls-eye", definitely makes for a more fulfilling year! I'm actually living the life I want instead of just thinking about it. I'm getting there! It's exciting.

This year I am going to switch it up a bit. I think, maybe, I'm getting too old to realistically get everything done on my list...or I'm not putting "easy" enough things to check off in a year's time. SO, for this year I have a "36by36" list but it's more so I don't forget what I want to do and instead of trying to cross everything off, I'm going to be deliberate, intentional, and purposeful about THREE things SIX days a week. Get it, THREE-SIX, 36? I'm so clever ;)

Right now my three are:
1) My physical body: I am going sugar free, whole/real foods only 6 days/week, working out 6 days/week (working out = at minimum 15 minutes, I need this to be reasonable and achievable and doesn't count things like yard work), I'm setting a 10pm bedtime, again 6 days/week. In general my day off is Sunday but I'll be flexible...if your wedding falls on a Saturday, I'm eating the cake :)
2) Prayer: I'm keeping a detailed prayer journal and reading through multiple devotional/guiding books in order to prayer more powerfully for, well, everything. I have some specific foci and requests but I think I'll keep those private :) Reading the Bible again this year, but also only 6 days/week. Again, Sundays are just so full and different I've almost always had to double up on Mondays so instead of fighting it, I'm just adapting. I'm also going to memorize some scripture. I'm starting with 1 Corinthians 13- the whole chapter. I don't know if I'll get to anything else but I have a couple in the queue :)
3) This one I'm having a harder time putting into words. Basically I want to keep minimizing and simplifying by actually completing things on my list. I want our lives to have more space/margin- physically, financially, and time-wise. Decluttering, letting go, checking things off...currently my 36by36 list has 38 items on it, and I'm not hesitating to add to it :) I want to be the kind of person who just does the things they want to do, or need to do, instead of being the kind of person who has all those things piled up. I want to be better at saying yes and no. I want to be better at evaluating what's truly important. And I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I can't remember anything!
I'm also toying with making this one all about relationships and chucking my list altogether. We'll see what the year bring ;)

Much love friends!


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Private

One of the arguments the hubs and I have occasionally is over our differing opinions on what is too much information to share. I tend to be a more enthusiastic and an open share-er on social media (and in person) whereas he tends to be more private. Neither of us is wrong, it's just that my tendencies make him more uncomfortable than his make me in this particular case. SO, I try, (I really do) to consider him before posting, not to be like him but to honor him. I don't run everything by him so I'm pretty much constantly making him uncomfortable, lol, BUT it could be so much worse. After eleven years of marriage, whether you believe it or not, I bite my metaphorical tongue often and refrain from posting/sharing, etc.

All of that is simply background information to better understand the drastic shift I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's reactionary, there have been too many cases to count lately where I've tried to have conversations with people via facebook and they have gotten ugly fast (not always my doing). Maybe it's preparatory, as we head into fostering, I'm just going to have to be more private. Maybe it's cyclical...you know, that cycle. Maybe it's a little of everything but regardless of the why the how is that I pretty much sanitized my profile yesterday. I have a little bit more work to do before my current feelings are content but I'm just not feeling like I want to be such an open book anymore. One too many hurts. One too many misinterpretations. One to many judgments. One too many opinions. It's all left me feeling like I need to do a better job of protecting myself and heart.

Like I said above, I'm not really sure if this is all a good thing or something I'll get over in a few days but my heart has been very, very, sad the last few days. People can really suck. Especially when they don't have to say such hurtful things to your face. And I know I can be just as bad. So that's where a lot of the sadness comes from, I guess. Now I'm just rambling. Anyways...we'll see where this goes.