The year of less

diminish

[dih-min-ish]
verb (used with object): to make or cause to seem smaller, less, less important, etc.; lessen; reduce

This is my word for the year: DIMINISH. 

I want pretty much everything about my life to be less. Not everything, not the important things, just all the other things. And, well, me.

I want less stuff. Less weight. Less stress. Less less less. 

I want our house to be wrapped up. I want to fulfill my IOUs and outstanding commitments. I want MARGIN. I want the BEST. 

I want clean slates and breathing room. I want maintenance instead of projects. 

I want people instead of to-dos. 

Ironically, this means a year of to-dos. Wrapping things up, giving things up.

Actually doing instead of just list making. But of course this requires a list. Or I will forget. Lose track. Be right here again in 365.

This is the year of me. shrinking. 

35

I did it! I made it to 35 :) This was hands down a fantastic year. There were of course the normal ups and downs, some pretty big hurts still linger and need resolution but nothing can take away how awesome my journey from 34 to 35 was.

One of the big themes that emerged (and was even the topic of a book I read) was that saying YES to one thing requires a NO (or two...or more) to other thing(s). Mid-way through my year, I picked a focus word for 2015- well, I couldn't settle on just one and picked three: Intentional, Deliberate, and Purposeful. As I've focused on my 35by35 list, I've automatically become better at saying NO to things that don't help me live the life I want. I watch almost zero TV now, and don't miss it. I facebook differently (way less) and feel like any sort of addiction there has been broken. 

I am different. 

I'm sure some would look at my 35by35 list and say I was unsuccessful. Not everything is checked off. Many things are only partially finished. Some not even begun. However, I am so profoundly happy with this last year and what I consider my success.

I made progress on so many things that I've wanted to do for so long. I now have some frames on some of my walls! They don't have pictures in them yet but they are up! We updated our wills and added Sullivan...and then notarized the old ones, doh!! So, yeah, still need to get the updated ones notarized. I read THIRTY-FOUR books, many of those have been sitting on my shelves for years just waiting for me!! (I'm part-way through two others, so I almost made my read 35 books goal). We are SO CLOSE to being licensed to foster! 

I did actually complete a few things 100%. I read through the Bible again, I haven't done this since babies- so almost 5 years and I missed it. I probably did it for 6 years straight before that. I finished a puzzle I started the day Sullivan was born, took a Pole Dancing class, I sewed something (actually some thingS, plural!). 

And I let go of a lot. I can't always predict how a year is going to turn out and what will actually be important. Some things just didn't matter as much as time went on, like participating in a babywearing ballet class, Others are mutually exclusive. I can't master a cash-only (Dave Ramsey style) budget and pay for everything I wanted to do like tatoos, building planter boxes, etc. Time was another limited resource...unfortunately I have to sleep at some point ;)

Other things were adapted. I put on the list "One silent and solitary day" but what developed was a new habit of nightly quiet time. It's marvelous. I get everyone asleep and then sneak out to our reading room and read, plan, pray, dream, make lists, etc. I never took a silent day, I didn't feel like I "needed" it in the same way I did when I added it to the list. 

I don't know if I'll do this kind of list making and goal setting every year for the rest of my life but for now, I'm definitely not ready to give it up. There's that saying, "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime." Well, having goals to aim at, even if you miss a "bulls-eye", definitely makes for a more fulfilling year! I'm actually living the life I want instead of just thinking about it. I'm getting there! It's exciting.

This year I am going to switch it up a bit. I think, maybe, I'm getting too old to realistically get everything done on my list...or I'm not putting "easy" enough things to check off in a year's time. SO, for this year I have a "36by36" list but it's more so I don't forget what I want to do and instead of trying to cross everything off, I'm going to be deliberate, intentional, and purposeful about THREE things SIX days a week. Get it, THREE-SIX, 36? I'm so clever ;)

Right now my three are:

1) My physical body: I am going sugar free, whole/real foods only 6 days/week, working out 6 days/week (working out = at minimum 15 minutes, I need this to be reasonable and achievable and doesn't count things like yard work), I'm setting a 10pm bedtime, again 6 days/week. In general my day off is Sunday but I'll be flexible...if your wedding falls on a Saturday, I'm eating the cake :)

2) Prayer: I'm keeping a detailed prayer journal and reading through multiple devotional/guiding books in order to prayer more powerfully for, well, everything. I have some specific foci and requests but I think I'll keep those private :) Reading the Bible again this year, but also only 6 days/week. Again, Sundays are just so full and different I've almost always had to double up on Mondays so instead of fighting it, I'm just adapting. I'm also going to memorize some scripture. I'm starting with 1 Corinthians 13- the whole chapter. I don't know if I'll get to anything else but I have a couple in the queue :)
3) This one I'm having a harder time putting into words. Basically I want to keep minimizing and simplifying by actually completing things on my list. I want our lives to have more space/margin- physically, financially, and time-wise. Decluttering, letting go, checking things off...currently my 36by36 list has 38 items on it, and I'm not hesitating to add to it :) I want to be the kind of person who just does the things they want to do, or need to do, instead of being the kind of person who has all those things piled up. I want to be better at saying yes and no. I want to be better at evaluating what's truly important. And I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I can't remember anything!
I'm also toying with making this one all about relationships and chucking my list altogether. We'll see what the year bring ;)

Much love friends!

Who I want to be.

One of my biggest motivators in my "lists" is to be the kind of person who just does stuff. Instead of thinks about it and puts it off forever. My hope is to become the type of person who's list is always short instead of always long.

This means a couple of things: 

1. Some things have to be let go of. It's easy to say. "I want to do this or that" but I want to really think about it before I add it to my list.

2. Some things need to be a higher priority. In order to be this kind of person, I can't just keep putting things off until an easier moment. I can't just keep adding papers to the pile thinking, I'll file them later. I need to just file them RIGHT then. Or every night. Or whatever works. It's a mindset more than a specific rule. 

4. Some things need to drop way WAY down the priority list. Can we say social media? lol. But this is happening naturally as I focus on this year's list. I reach for my phone and laptop less often, I'm practically watching zero tv, And when I do start scrolling...I just don't want to keep mindlessly scrolling. All the other things just seem more important. 

Really pushing to get things that I've put off too long and can't be let go of done so that when we are licensed to foster my list is short...and stays that way. 

Stalling

Sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously when I talk about fostering. And I know it's because we took our first class almost a year ago and we're still so far from being licensed. And occasionally I even feel like I'm dragging my feet.

But I know why.

It's because I know what is coming. What will be required of me. What I'm going to have to sacrifice.

And I think this is exactly why this is the first year I've been truly motivated to check things off my "list".

I know I'm going to have to give up even more than I have had to with *just* two kids. I'm going to have less time to go around. These kids God is planning on bringing into our lives and home- they are going to require much from me. And so I'm working feverishly to cross things off my list, so that my list is shorter and I can focus on fostering.

The last thing I want is to resent these kids because they kept me from something I wasn't ready to sacrifice.

And the act of going through this list is fun because as this year has gone by, time has helped me realize where my priorities lie, where they should lie, and what things need to be let go of completely.

I'm not going to completely finish my 35by35 list. Partly because we just won't have the cash to do all the things I want to, partly because some things just aren't as important as they were 12 months ago, and partly because I haven't been 100% focused. But I'm down to 14 weeks and without sounding too prideful, I'm kicking butt! This has just been the best year and such a learning experience. 

Here's to finishing strong!

Four

Four years and here I am, laying in bed and listening to him breath...still. Oh my heart is full to bursting with a love I never knew possible.  The gospel is real and alive in a way that is indescribable. My God, gave up his SON (!), for  ME (?). The thought of giving up my son!! Nuh uh. No way. He loved me (and you) SO MUCH that that's what he did. Woah. That is overwhelming. Humbling. Breaking.
Motherhood is harder than I imagined yet profoundly fulfilling. My mission: to love deeply and patiently and kindly all those things 1 Corinthians lists so that this most special of little people will know God and share him. I'm taking this mission more and more seriously these days, wrapping my head (and heart) around what that might truly mean...and what God might be asking for from me.
Tonight, though, I push all that aside and just listen to his deep breaths, feel his soft skin, and pray that these snuggles last many more years!

Be still

One of the spiritual disciplines is "stillness" or "quiet".

A cool thing happened last week that I don't want to forget. I try and keep music (worship) playing in the house during the day because my mood is so fickle, it helps me stay focused on what really matters.

Well this particular day was full of little people's emotions and I was at my wits end. I turned the music off so it would be quieter and low and behold everything changed. I immediately could hear a still small voice calling me to prayer!

It was so cool. The whole atmosphere in our house changed and I was praying for people near and far as we went about our day.

I've never experienced anything like that before :)

You were probably prayed for ;)

Something is different

This year is different. Not 2014, my 35th year.
I make lists. ALL.THE.TIME.

Every New Year.

Every Birthday.

Usually I get a couple things on them done.

But mostly I forget about them...clearly the things on them aren't too important.

But this year. I am different. This is not my doing. I repeat, I have not done this.

I'm excited. A little bit nervous. It feels like a new season in my life is approaching, spring maybe??

Thirty-Five by 35, 12 week progress report.
I've read my Bible almost daily for TWELVE weeks! (I used to read my Bible completely every year...and then kids happened and I just haven't been able to figure it out. Also, my goal is not to read every single day. I can not, currently, at this stage of life, make morning quiet times happen. So night time reading it is...and that doesn't always happen BUT I am staying caught up on the year-through-the-Bible plan that I found and LOVE!)

I am 25% done with my ambitious "read 35 books" goal! (And it's been 25% of the year, so that's tracking well!)

I have 5 things completely checked off my list (14%)

I have FOURTEEN things in process (one of which-Bible reading- can't be finished "early", and a couple others that aren't really check-off-able).

I have FIVE blank spots still.

I think one of them may just become to write more again. To escape the trap of facebook and other mindless internet wanderings.

(Secret: I'd love for one of them to be have another baby. Praying! Will take God changing Ryan's heart on the matter, without me forcing the issue!)