Who I want to be.

One of my biggest motivators in my "lists" is to be the kind of person who just does stuff. Instead of thinks about it and puts it off forever. My hope is to become the type of person who's list is always short instead of always long.

This means a couple of things: 

1. Some things have to be let go of. It's easy to say. "I want to do this or that" but I want to really think about it before I add it to my list.

2. Some things need to be a higher priority. In order to be this kind of person, I can't just keep putting things off until an easier moment. I can't just keep adding papers to the pile thinking, I'll file them later. I need to just file them RIGHT then. Or every night. Or whatever works. It's a mindset more than a specific rule. 

4. Some things need to drop way WAY down the priority list. Can we say social media? lol. But this is happening naturally as I focus on this year's list. I reach for my phone and laptop less often, I'm practically watching zero tv, And when I do start scrolling...I just don't want to keep mindlessly scrolling. All the other things just seem more important. 

Really pushing to get things that I've put off too long and can't be let go of done so that when we are licensed to foster my list is short...and stays that way. 

Stalling

Sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously when I talk about fostering. And I know it's because we took our first class almost a year ago and we're still so far from being licensed. And occasionally I even feel like I'm dragging my feet.

But I know why.

It's because I know what is coming. What will be required of me. What I'm going to have to sacrifice.

And I think this is exactly why this is the first year I've been truly motivated to check things off my "list".

I know I'm going to have to give up even more than I have had to with *just* two kids. I'm going to have less time to go around. These kids God is planning on bringing into our lives and home- they are going to require much from me. And so I'm working feverishly to cross things off my list, so that my list is shorter and I can focus on fostering.

The last thing I want is to resent these kids because they kept me from something I wasn't ready to sacrifice.

And the act of going through this list is fun because as this year has gone by, time has helped me realize where my priorities lie, where they should lie, and what things need to be let go of completely.

I'm not going to completely finish my 35by35 list. Partly because we just won't have the cash to do all the things I want to, partly because some things just aren't as important as they were 12 months ago, and partly because I haven't been 100% focused. But I'm down to 14 weeks and without sounding too prideful, I'm kicking butt! This has just been the best year and such a learning experience. 

Here's to finishing strong!

Four

Four years and here I am, laying in bed and listening to him breath...still. Oh my heart is full to bursting with a love I never knew possible.  The gospel is real and alive in a way that is indescribable. My God, gave up his SON (!), for  ME (?). The thought of giving up my son!! Nuh uh. No way. He loved me (and you) SO MUCH that that's what he did. Woah. That is overwhelming. Humbling. Breaking.
Motherhood is harder than I imagined yet profoundly fulfilling. My mission: to love deeply and patiently and kindly all those things 1 Corinthians lists so that this most special of little people will know God and share him. I'm taking this mission more and more seriously these days, wrapping my head (and heart) around what that might truly mean...and what God might be asking for from me.
Tonight, though, I push all that aside and just listen to his deep breaths, feel his soft skin, and pray that these snuggles last many more years!

Be still

One of the spiritual disciplines is "stillness" or "quiet".

A cool thing happened last week that I don't want to forget. I try and keep music (worship) playing in the house during the day because my mood is so fickle, it helps me stay focused on what really matters.

Well this particular day was full of little people's emotions and I was at my wits end. I turned the music off so it would be quieter and low and behold everything changed. I immediately could hear a still small voice calling me to prayer!

It was so cool. The whole atmosphere in our house changed and I was praying for people near and far as we went about our day.

I've never experienced anything like that before :)

You were probably prayed for ;)

Something is different

This year is different. Not 2014, my 35th year.
I make lists. ALL.THE.TIME.

Every New Year.

Every Birthday.

Usually I get a couple things on them done.

But mostly I forget about them...clearly the things on them aren't too important.

But this year. I am different. This is not my doing. I repeat, I have not done this.

I'm excited. A little bit nervous. It feels like a new season in my life is approaching, spring maybe??

Thirty-Five by 35, 12 week progress report.
I've read my Bible almost daily for TWELVE weeks! (I used to read my Bible completely every year...and then kids happened and I just haven't been able to figure it out. Also, my goal is not to read every single day. I can not, currently, at this stage of life, make morning quiet times happen. So night time reading it is...and that doesn't always happen BUT I am staying caught up on the year-through-the-Bible plan that I found and LOVE!)

I am 25% done with my ambitious "read 35 books" goal! (And it's been 25% of the year, so that's tracking well!)

I have 5 things completely checked off my list (14%)

I have FOURTEEN things in process (one of which-Bible reading- can't be finished "early", and a couple others that aren't really check-off-able).

I have FIVE blank spots still.

I think one of them may just become to write more again. To escape the trap of facebook and other mindless internet wanderings.

(Secret: I'd love for one of them to be have another baby. Praying! Will take God changing Ryan's heart on the matter, without me forcing the issue!)

Currency

I read this passage from Matthew 25 the other night: and it
14-18 “It’s also like a man going off on an extended trip. He called his servants together and delegated responsibilities. To one he gave five thousand dollars, to another two thousand, to a third one thousand, depending on their abilities. Then he left. Right off, the first servant went to work and doubled his master’s investment. The second did the same. But the man with the single thousand dug a hole and carefully buried his master’s money.

19-21 “After a long absence, the master of those three servants came back and settled up with them. The one given five thousand dollars showed him how he had doubled his investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

22-23 “The servant with the two thousand showed how he also had doubled his master’s investment. His master commended him: ‘Good work! You did your job well. From now on be my partner.’

24-25 “The servant given one thousand said, ‘Master, I know you have high standards and hate careless ways, that you demand the best and make no allowances for error. I was afraid I might disappoint you, so I found a good hiding place and secured your money. Here it is, safe and sound down to the last cent.’

26-27 “The master was furious. ‘That’s a terrible way to live! It’s criminal to live cautiously like that! If you knew I was after the best, why did you do less than the least? The least you could have done would have been to invest the sum with the bankers, where at least I would have gotten a little interest.

28-30 “‘Take the thousand and give it to the one who risked the most. And get rid of this “play-it-safe” who won’t go out on a limb. Throw him out into utter darkness.’

I'm sure you've read it before. Probably heard a sermon or two even. I've also been reading "7" by Jen Hatmaker and it has WRECKED me. I could copy and paste the whole thing it's so good. It's impossible to narrow down great quotes because they just.keep.coming.

But my point tonight is her book and this passage have me really thinking that this passage might not be just talking about MONEY and can and should relate to other currencies...like our TIME. We are all given the same amount of minutes in a day but how you spend them matters. And I like to think God is capable of making them feel like more or less...depending on how we use them.

Right now my head is reeling from "7" and I'm prayerfully considering what I spend my time on. I'm planning on wasting a lot less time on the distractions of facebook, instagram, pinterest, etsy, etc. in the coming days/weeks and really focusing on using my time intentionally, wisely, investment-mindedly (yep, just made that one up).

I'm even hoping to write more again. And get back to family blogposts with photos. And get my photo books started and finished. And get this spare room turned into a bedroom. And purge this house of stuff to make way for more life! 

I want ROOM. I want SPACE. In my schedule. In my bank account. In my house. I want to be able to be spontaneously generous. I want to be ridiculously generous- with my time, money, heart. With ALL of my currencies that God has given me. I want MORE and in order to get more, I need to be that first servant. Wise and shrewd, and investor. I do not want to be the third servant in any area of my life. 

How about you?

Sometimes I just wish I could do more.

Not more cleaning. Not more crafting.

More loving and helping. More changing and more good. SO much hurt and pain out there. Wish I could just hug all the sad people and make all the madness stop.

Yeah, there's my pageant speech. Sigh. This world can be overwhelming at times.