Sunday, August 2, 2015

What's it going to take?

I wonder how much I have to hate facebook before getting rid of it altogether?

I wonder what will finally push me over the edge?

Ugh.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

35

I did it! I made it to 35 :) This was hands down a fantastic year. There were of course the normal ups and downs, some pretty big hurts still linger and need resolution but nothing can take away how awesome my journey from 34 to 35 was.

One of the big themes that emerged (and was even the topic of a book I read) was that saying YES to one thing requires a NO (or two...or more) to other thing(s). Mid-way through my year, I picked a focus word for 2015- well, I couldn't settle on just one and picked three: Intentional, Deliberate, and Purposeful. As I've focused on my 35by35 list, I've automatically become better at saying NO to things that don't help me live the life I want. I watch almost zero TV now, and don't miss it. I facebook differently (way less) and feel like any sort of addiction there has been broken. 

I am different. 

I'm sure some would look at my 35by35 list and say I was unsuccessful. Not everything is checked off. Many things are only partially finished. Some not even begun. However, I am so profoundly happy with this last year and what I consider my success.

I made progress on so many things that I've wanted to do for so long. I now have some frames on some of my walls! They don't have pictures in them yet but they are up! We updated our wills and added Sullivan...and then notarized the old ones, doh!! So, yeah, still need to get the updated ones notarized. I read THIRTY-FOUR books, many of those have been sitting on my shelves for years just waiting for me!! (I'm part-way through two others, so I almost made my read 35 books goal). We are SO CLOSE to being licensed to foster! 

I did actually complete a few things 100%. I read through the Bible again, I haven't done this since babies- so almost 5 years and I missed it. I probably did it for 6 years straight before that. I finished a puzzle I started the day Sullivan was born, took a Pole Dancing class, I sewed something (actually some thingS, plural!). 

And I let go of a lot. I can't always predict how a year is going to turn out and what will actually be important. Some things just didn't matter as much as time went on, like participating in a babywearing ballet class, Others are mutually exclusive. I can't master a cash-only (Dave Ramsey style) budget and pay for everything I wanted to do like tatoos, building planter boxes, etc. Time was another limited resource...unfortunately I have to sleep at some point ;)

Other things were adapted. I put on the list "One silent and solitary day" but what developed was a new habit of nightly quiet time. It's marvelous. I get everyone asleep and then sneak out to our reading room and read, plan, pray, dream, make lists, etc. I never took a silent day, I didn't feel like I "needed" it in the same way I did when I added it to the list. 

I don't know if I'll do this kind of list making and goal setting every year for the rest of my life but for now, I'm definitely not ready to give it up. There's that saying, "If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it everytime." Well, having goals to aim at, even if you miss a "bulls-eye", definitely makes for a more fulfilling year! I'm actually living the life I want instead of just thinking about it. I'm getting there! It's exciting.

This year I am going to switch it up a bit. I think, maybe, I'm getting too old to realistically get everything done on my list...or I'm not putting "easy" enough things to check off in a year's time. SO, for this year I have a "36by36" list but it's more so I don't forget what I want to do and instead of trying to cross everything off, I'm going to be deliberate, intentional, and purposeful about THREE things SIX days a week. Get it, THREE-SIX, 36? I'm so clever ;)

Right now my three are:
1) My physical body: I am going sugar free, whole/real foods only 6 days/week, working out 6 days/week (working out = at minimum 15 minutes, I need this to be reasonable and achievable and doesn't count things like yard work), I'm setting a 10pm bedtime, again 6 days/week. In general my day off is Sunday but I'll be flexible...if your wedding falls on a Saturday, I'm eating the cake :)
2) Prayer: I'm keeping a detailed prayer journal and reading through multiple devotional/guiding books in order to prayer more powerfully for, well, everything. I have some specific foci and requests but I think I'll keep those private :) Reading the Bible again this year, but also only 6 days/week. Again, Sundays are just so full and different I've almost always had to double up on Mondays so instead of fighting it, I'm just adapting. I'm also going to memorize some scripture. I'm starting with 1 Corinthians 13- the whole chapter. I don't know if I'll get to anything else but I have a couple in the queue :)
3) This one I'm having a harder time putting into words. Basically I want to keep minimizing and simplifying by actually completing things on my list. I want our lives to have more space/margin- physically, financially, and time-wise. Decluttering, letting go, checking things off...currently my 36by36 list has 38 items on it, and I'm not hesitating to add to it :) I want to be the kind of person who just does the things they want to do, or need to do, instead of being the kind of person who has all those things piled up. I want to be better at saying yes and no. I want to be better at evaluating what's truly important. And I'm old now and if I don't write it down, I can't remember anything!
I'm also toying with making this one all about relationships and chucking my list altogether. We'll see what the year bring ;)

Much love friends!


Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Private

One of the arguments the hubs and I have occasionally is over our differing opinions on what is too much information to share. I tend to be a more enthusiastic and an open share-er on social media (and in person) whereas he tends to be more private. Neither of us is wrong, it's just that my tendencies make him more uncomfortable than his make me in this particular case. SO, I try, (I really do) to consider him before posting, not to be like him but to honor him. I don't run everything by him so I'm pretty much constantly making him uncomfortable, lol, BUT it could be so much worse. After eleven years of marriage, whether you believe it or not, I bite my metaphorical tongue often and refrain from posting/sharing, etc.

All of that is simply background information to better understand the drastic shift I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's reactionary, there have been too many cases to count lately where I've tried to have conversations with people via facebook and they have gotten ugly fast (not always my doing). Maybe it's preparatory, as we head into fostering, I'm just going to have to be more private. Maybe it's cyclical...you know, that cycle. Maybe it's a little of everything but regardless of the why the how is that I pretty much sanitized my profile yesterday. I have a little bit more work to do before my current feelings are content but I'm just not feeling like I want to be such an open book anymore. One too many hurts. One too many misinterpretations. One to many judgments. One too many opinions. It's all left me feeling like I need to do a better job of protecting myself and heart.

Like I said above, I'm not really sure if this is all a good thing or something I'll get over in a few days but my heart has been very, very, sad the last few days. People can really suck. Especially when they don't have to say such hurtful things to your face. And I know I can be just as bad. So that's where a lot of the sadness comes from, I guess. Now I'm just rambling. Anyways...we'll see where this goes. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Who I want to be.

One of my biggest motivators in my "lists" is to be the kind of person who just does stuff. Instead of thinks about it and puts it off forever. My hope is to become the type of person who's list is always short instead of always long.

This means a couple of things: 

1. Some things have to be let go of. It's easy to say. "I want to do this or that" but I want to really think about it before I add it to my list.

2. Some things need to be a higher priority. In order to be this kind of person, I can't just keep putting things off until an easier moment. I can't just keep adding papers to the pile thinking, I'll file them later. I need to just file them RIGHT then. Or every night. Or whatever works. It's a mindset more than a specific rule. 

4. Some things need to drop way WAY down the priority list. Can we say social media? lol. But this is happening naturally as I focus on this year's list. I reach for my phone and laptop less often, I'm practically watching zero tv, And when I do start scrolling...I just don't want to keep mindlessly scrolling. All the other things just seem more important. 

Really pushing to get things that I've put off too long and can't be let go of done so that when we are licensed to foster my list is short...and stays that way. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Stalling

Sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously when I talk about fostering. And I know it's because we took our first class almost a year ago and we're still so far from being licensed. And occasionally I even feel like I'm dragging my feet.

But I know why.

It's because I know what is coming. What will be required of me. What I'm going to have to sacrifice.

And I think this is exactly why this is the first year I've been truly motivated to check things off my "list".

I know I'm going to have to give up even more than I have had to with *just* two kids. I'm going to have less time to go around. These kids God is planning on bringing into our lives and home- they are going to require much from me. And so I'm working feverishly to cross things off my list, so that my list is shorter and I can focus on fostering.

The last thing I want is to resent these kids because they kept me from something I wasn't ready to sacrifice.

And the act of going through this list is fun because as this year has gone by, time has helped me realize where my priorities lie, where they should lie, and what things need to be let go of completely.

I'm not going to completely finish my 35by35 list. Partly because we just won't have the cash to do all the things I want to, partly because some things just aren't as important as they were 12 months ago, and partly because I haven't been 100% focused. But I'm down to 14 weeks and without sounding too prideful, I'm kicking butt! This has just been the best year and such a learning experience. 

Here's to finishing strong!