Monday, January 6, 2014

Excuses

Some will call this an excuse. I call it a damn good reason.

It's the beginning of the year and people all over facebook are talking about their health and fitness resolutions and I'm somewhat envious but also somewhat relieved to not be joining in this year.

Of course one of my goals is to lose the 'baby' weight and get back into shape. But I'm being honest this year and not even bothering to make it a priority. You know why?

Because I haven't slept longer than 3-4 hours at a stretch in 3.5 years. And that's on a good night.

Because I've been pregnant or nursing for four years.

And I don't see that changing anytime soon. I nursed Griffin until he was beyond 2 and imagine Sullivan will do the same.And as crazy as it sounds, I'd rather keep things the way the are because I love co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding.

That's not to say it's always easy. Or ever easy. Or that every minute of everyday it's what I want.

But it IS what I want and what I feel lead to/called to.

And it will end soon enough. And then, then I will be able to change my priorities without sacrificing something I can only have once, now, when my babies are babies.

I will never wish I had spent less time snuggled up next to them, feeding them, smelling their intoxicating milk-breath. There is nothing, not even a bikini-body, worth sacrificing all that for.

And if you know me and my history, to be able to say that, to be able to let go of all of that and rest peacefully in what is now- that's pretty amazing. It makes me a little proud to see tangibly how I've grown, how I've learned to relax, how I've finally learned to prioritize relationships over checking things off my to-do list.

That and I saw an old friend last week who's youngest is a few months older than my oldest. And she looks AMAZING. And I know, I just know, that I will get there again when I'm out of the babies phase because I miss it. I miss sweating and pushing myself. But now, for me, it just isn't the time.

So my goal for 2014? To just enjoy life. To move and sweat when I can. To eat what I can and need to- focusing on healthy choices but with no rules, after all- I am still breastfeeding :) And to worry about results when my body is all mine again.

And that's why I'm a little envious of people who have made different parenting choices (formula, CIO) and sleep full nights and have the energy and ability to focus on themselves. Good luck in 2014, I'll catch up next year:)

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Reflections

2013 has not gone as planned. That doesn't mean it was bad. It certainly doesn't mean it was easy. Life can be great. Really really great (Sullivan!) and really really hard at the same time (sleep deprivation x2!!). Take this week for example: beautiful moments of love and joy interspersed with puking, pooping, crying, sick babies and adults. Great yet hard. 

I had BIG and detailed plans/goals/resolutions, whatever you want to call them, headed into this year. And I pretty much failed at all of them. That's not automatically a bad thing but it leads me to reflection.

The irony in my failure is that I was so sure that 2013 was going to be the the year I was finally successful at achieving some of my longest held goals (weight loss anyone?) and addressing some of my biggest issues (self-improvement). My failure is so glaring it's downright laughable. So sad the only thing left to do is laugh. 

When I look at my list of goals, I literally did not achieve a single one. Not one. NOT A COTTON-PICKING ONE. 

Thankfully I read this blog (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/) by Ann VosKamp and it spoke to me so so deeply as a melancholy. 

I posted a status the other night: Is it possible to feel hopeless yet still be hopeFULL? I used the analogy that I often feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I've lost hope of rescue but I haven't let go of the raft yet. 

That's just where my heart is ending 2013 and beginning 2014.

feel hopeless. Logically speaking, I've given up hope of rescue.

Just about the time things start to go our way, something else breaks or a new bill shows up or whatever. For a very long time it has felt like we move 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. 

YET

I'm still hopeFULL. I'm still hanging onto the raft. Because you just never know.

Because we do keep getting those one-step-forward moments. 

Because Griffin slept through the whole night in his own bed THREE times during his birthday week in November. 

We might be the last ones "rescued" but if we just keep holding on, someday it will be our day. Our turn. 

And you know what. That list of goals for 2013. I re-read it. It's really good. And I'm cool with aiming for them again this year. Who knows? Maybe I'll cross a couple off this year. Maybe I won't. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.