Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Experiment

For those who know me, my love-hate relationship with facebook is no secret and nothing new. All the feelings come in waves and the hate wave was strong with this election season (among other things) and then two things happened. 1) I read this article and 2) I worked my way through Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer for a second time this year.

I want, desperately, what the author of the article says happened for her. All of it. Cleaner house, completed projects, less stuff and more people.

And I believe, truly, what Priscilla Shirer says about Satan. That he wants me distracted. He plots and schemes to distract us.

So, I (mostly) quit facebook about 20 days ago. And I've read 6 books. And my house IS cleaner. And I AM catching up on some projects. And I am seeing more people. My life isn't where I want it yet but it's moving in the right direction!

I still don't want to totally give it up. I have kept family and far away people for the time being. And there are a handful of close people (both literally and figuratively) that I miss "sharing" more with. BUT I am missing it a lot (A LOT LOT) less than I thought I would.

Oh, and I've stayed in groups! Foster support, Buy/Sell/Trades, LulaRoe. You know. The important things ;)

So. I would say I'm loving this experiment. And that it will evolve over time. Always. But, I've set the parameter of my birthday, the end of "my" year, until I'm allowed to "go back" in anyway. Maybe by then I'll be completely done with it? Or ready to use it moderately instead of addictively?

Monday, July 18, 2016

The year of less


diminish
[dih-min-ish]
verb (used with object): to make or cause to seem smaller, less, less important, etc.; lessen; reduce

This is my word for the year: DIMINISH

I want pretty much everything about my life to be less. Not everything, not the important things, just all the other things. And, well, me.

I want less stuff. Less weight. Less stress. Less less less. 

I want our house to be wrapped up. I want to fulfill my IOUs and outstanding commitments. I want MARGIN. I want the BEST

I want clean slates and breathing room. I want maintenance instead of projects. 

I want people instead of to-dos. 

Ironically, this means a year of to-dos. Wrapping things up, giving things up.

Actually doing instead of just list making. But of course this requires a list. Or I will forget. Lose track. Be right here again in 365.

This is the year of me. shrinking. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Connected

I knew fostering would be an emotional roller coaster. I just didn't know these particular emotions would be the ones showing up. Today has held a lot of tears. I'm blaming the 5 a.m. wake up. And God.

Today was ROUGH with mostly Sullivan but Griffin too. Sullivan is, and always has been, so agressive. I call him an asshole, jerk, bully (not to his face of course! Well, not often to his face.) Our neighbors named him Wreck-It Ralph within days of meeting him. Griffin's ears and emotions seem to be broken lately.

Today I left a friend's house and cried almost the whole way home because Sullivan hits so much. And I've tried everything, even hitting back and I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure and doubt. The voices in my head repeating all the negative things lovely people have spoken to me (sarcasm font).

Then this evening we got another call, actually we got multiple calls but we answered one with a yes! I put 4 little boys to bed and 1 big girl. (Daddy is sick and not much help). And then I sat on the couch and cried again because the whole day just felt redeemed. Not perfect, HA! Is there even such a thing with littles? Redeemed because I know God made me FOR THIS. And those voices in my head, even though they were initially spoken by real people are NOT The Voice of Truth.
I cried too because this is HARD. 24/7 and heartbreaking. And just plain sad.

Rough day, good ending. Instrumental worship music and bed are calling my name since 5 am is going to be here waywayway too soon.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

You gotta do

Have you ever known exactly what God is asking you to do but you just.don't.wanna?

Yeaaaah.

No, he's not asking me to do anything like sell all our stuff and move to somewhere humid as missionaries.

No, it's much (MUCH) worse than that.

He's telling me I have to be a morning person.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Isn't that just the worst thing? Ever?! Sigh.

All joking aside, I am pretty heartbroken over this. But it's been building and now instead of whispering to my heart, He's throwing bricks at my head.

This is going to be so hard for me I decided I needed to go "public" with it. I'm going to rely on accountability so look for some fun mocking photos of my pathetic self in the next couple of days/weeks as I navigate this change. I'm starting tomorrow. It's going to be ugly.

Why? Because I truly believe HE is telling me that it will change everything. Everything that I'm praying for, everything that I'm struggling with. Everything.

And I want victory.