Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Parenthood

Our most favorite tv show of all time. Makes us laugh, makes me cry, and makes me love Ryan more. Makes me a better person, makes me want to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter- friend. Check it out: Parenthood

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


What do you think?

I love it!! Love, LOVE, love it! 

Takes the responsibility off my shoulders and puts it on theirs!

One of my best ideas EVER!

Monday, May 28, 2012

If I ruled the world...

If I ruled the world everything would be great...or at least I'd like to think so:)

BUT if I ruled our school, I KNOW everything would at least be better!

For starters- Memorial Day starts summer break!!!

I am so D.O.N.E.

I managed to get a ton of work done Friday during Griffin's incredible 2.5 hour nap and then enjoyed my long weekend with family and friends.

Then watched more Parenthood tonight instead of starting on the one thing I promised 10 kids I would do:  read their papers that are due tomorrow so that they could make revisions (I gave the 10 kids that turned in rough drafts an extension since I was unable to get them read before the weekend. Aren't I a nice teacher? Totally fair and reasonable:).

I'm actually thinking I'm just going to tell these kids that their papers are good enough for me. Let's be honest, I don't really want to re-read them after they've made revisions. Especially since I'm not getting paid for these late nights! I'm going to have about 60 of these to grade in the next 3 weeks and it would be AWESOME to be 1/6th of the way there:)

Sometimes being the boss has its perks:)!

Two more and I can call it quits for tonight...suck it up Sarah! Quit playing free cell and get to work! :)

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Rambling

Just a couple random thoughts.

  • I've really enjoyed using facebook less. But tonight I 'requested' some of my mommy-friends back...we'll see how it goes. The problem is, I can't just stop at one. I may just have to delete fb altogether:) Maybe this go-round I will do better at limiting my time. But if it starts messing with my moods again, I'm kicking it for good. 
  • I had the BEST day today! It has taken me almost 32 years to be able to verbalize this: My love languages are time and acts of service BUT not in the way you think. I am a task-oriented person. Because I follow Jesus I have learned that people are also important:) Being people-focused does not come naturally to me BUT if you do something with me, then I feel much more at ease inter-acting with you. Today, the hubs ran errands with me (something he usually hates doing) and then left me alone so I could be tasky! I have to smile at our relationship, God really did match us well. While R was inside napping and I was outside doing yard work, washing the cars, and cleaning the garage I wondered how many other wives don't want their husbands out helping them. It was so therapeutic and my love tank is full (and my belly since the hubs BBQ'd up a great dinner!) Oh- and thanks to the grandparents who kept the kid for the day!
  • The thought crossed my mind today that if I can't ever get pregnant again at least I won't have to give up beer and wine again! YUM a cold one on a hot spring day after working outside!
  • I LOVE Parenthood and season 3 is finally online! We managed to watch 2 episodes tonight while waiting for G to get tired. 
  • Lastly, I really really really do want to have to give up beer and wine again. I really really really do want another baby from my body. I would still love to adopt but I ache to be pregnant again. I read an awesome blog post recently that encouraged me to keep praying, waiting, and hoping. I hope it encourages you too: When God Says Wait.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Bright Side

I read an incredible post yesterday about "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger". You can read it here: Stronger.

It inspired and encouraged me to look on the bright side of things and feel proud of how much stronger I feel.

To follow up on my meltdown on Tuesday...on Wednesday I ended up getting so angry with my 6th period kiddos that I yelled at them so intensely that they were dead-silent for over 15 minutes. To give you an idea of "normal" my lectures are usually only followed by about 30-60 seconds of silence. Apparently my performance was so impressive the kids were still talking about it the next day. At lunch I had other teachers ask me about it and tell me I in no way should apologize. It felt so good to be understood and supported. Once teacher even told me he once gave a class such a good tongue-lashing that they were silent the rest of the period and when the bell rang, the left without a word.

The good news: I've had a couple of great talks with individual students and groups of students and I have a game-plan for the rest of the year (just 3 more weeks).

The better news: I am a smarter person better prepared for my future as a substitute and someday full-time teacher. THIS is the kind of experience that you should get when earning your teaching certificate. This long-term job is priceless in the long run.

I just wish I had a paycheck coming in August for all this grief. :)

Happy Memorial Day weekend. THANK YOU to all our servicemen and women- you are under-appreciated but not by the Barcis! We are so grateful for your sacrifices and service.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

3

THREE.

3 day weekend.

3 weeks of school left.

I just graded and entered the grades for over 8 inches of paper. I wish I had  kept track of the inches since I started this job. I know I've already graded almost 14 inches this week. So that makes TWO FEET of papers with more to go.

And the kids wonder why I'm so cranky when they whine about how much work they have to do.

Welcome to the real world!

(When did I become an old adult quoting sayings like that- sheesh!)

Off to tackle the next 3 inches, then it's time to join my boys in the wonderful world of dreams!

Tomorrow is Pajama Day! WOHOO!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Snap

As in break. As in I broke tonight.

I am so overwhelmed with this job. I don't know if I can adequately describe what this job entails- I'm afraid that if I try, you still won't understand what all the fuss is about. But I'm going to try.

1) It's middle school. My students are 11-13 years old, with a random 14 year old thrown in for good measure. That should be enough to make me a saint!

2) I have FIVE (5) different "preps". That means I have to plan, prep, and grade FIVE different classes. 7th grade regular English, 6th grade Highly Capable Social Studies and English, and 7th grade Highly Capable Social Studies and English. If you're not a teacher you may not understand just how much work this is. Most middle school teachers have one, maybe two, preps. On rare occasions 3. The teacher I am covering for requested this schedule because it means she gets to teach 4 periods of Hi-cap. She is insane.

3) There is NO hi-cap curriculum. No book to work my way through from start to finish. Just a lot of material to chose from and hope I don't screw the kids up too much for next year when their teachers ask, "What the hell did you do last year? You don't know anything and are completely unprepared." (My biggest fear.)

4) I do not have long-term leave replacement contract. I could be making the exact same amount and have none of the stress. Awesome.

5) "My" principal has yet (3.5 months later) TALK TO ME. Not a single solitary conversation about her expectations for me as a "new employee". Not a single offer for help if I need it. Not a single, "Do you have any questions?" Not a single, "Welcome aboard. We're excited to have you." Not a single, "Thank you. It's so nice to have a consistent sub instead of a different person everyday." Nothing. Nadda.

BUT

6) She HAS requested that when "we" (and by we, I mean "my" school) are short on subs, I be requested to cover a class during my planning period (the hour when I don't have students) because they don't have to pay me extra. Yep. I know, that IS low. A teacher with a contract gets paid for that extra hour of work. I just take it "in the shorts" so to speak.

And tonight was my breaking point.

After a day of kids whining about how there are "only 18 school days left" and "this is too much work".


And I literally brought 12 inches of papers home that need to be graded. I am NOT exaggerating. Work that I am in no way getting paid to do.

And Griffin wouldn't go to sleep.

And as I laid there getting angrier and angrier at my son because I had work waiting for me downstairs, I lost it.

This is NOT healthy. There are so many things wrong with this picture. I can't fix or control everything but starting tonight there are new boundaries.

1) NO work comes home with me. Ever. Again. (This school year. Obviously if I get a contract in the fall, that changes everything).

2) I need to have a "chat" with the kids tomorrow. They need to know how hard I am working for them and why I expect them to work hard for me...for 18 more days.

3) I need to have a "chat" with the head secretary who asks me to cover classes. No more. I NEED that prep time. It is beyond unfair and I've bent over backwards for 3.5 months and I can.not.handle.it.anymore.

4) I need to have a "chat" with the principal. This, more than anything else, scares the poo-poo right out of me. I HATE confrontation. I HATE saying no. I HATE letting people down. Unfortunately, what I hear from the rest of the staff- I don't think this will go over very well and I may never work in "my" school and district again.

But I know what I have to do. God has made it clear. And because I've been ignoring him and putting him off, hoping I could make it on my own- I've reached my breaking point. (Think Jonah). So now I'm burnt out, bitter, and emotional. Not exactly the right frame of mind for a professional meeting.

Thank God for the world's best husband. He just laid there with me and let me vent, cry, and process all this. Then came downstairs and wrote a letter to "my" principal on my behalf, defending me. Like a modern day knight in shining armor. He may drive me nuts from time to time but I love this man so much and thank God (almost) every day that he brought us together! (Let's be honest, some days are better than others but that's a topic for another post).

And if you've made it this far you should know my greatest weakness: Talking (or writing) it all out and then never following through with the tough conversations I need to have. I only have 4 more weeks to work up the courage or let it all go. I know I need to just do it. Prayers welcome:)


Friday, May 11, 2012

Inspired

I have been so, so, so busy lately that I have hardly had time to think- let alone write- so I feel like I have so much "stuff" built up in me I don't know how to get it all out in a pretty way.

So I'm not even going to try:)

I'm still not pregnant and I want to be so bad. I have friends who got pregnant after I started trying again and have already had their babies. THAT's how long I've been trying (13 months to be exact). Went in for an annual exam and the doc says, if we're still not expecting in 6 months to come back for more tests. I am terrified that I can't do this again. Which is silly because I've always said I wanted to adopt. And I hated being pregnant last time. And I trust God implicitly. But I still want to do it again. Badly. Very, very badly.

I've pretty much kicked the facebook habit and am LOVING life without the mindless time wasting updates that just made me depressed, angry, annoyed. The few happy ones that were worth my time weren't worth the countless hours I've wasted over the last couple years. Once Jana gets back from Australia and Tracy from Africa I might just be brave enough to completely delete my account.

Since one former addiction must be filled with a new addiction, I'm loving some new blogs! I feel like I'm in control of what is going into my head and I'm intentionally seeking out like-minded people. Mommies of varying degrees of crunchiness, some Christian, some not, but all lovers of motherhood. And I'm getting excited to seek out blogs from Christian leaders I admire and other women who are going or have gone through similar things as me. I've been "getting to know" these women through their posts...and they are inspiring me in all areas of my life! Meet DianaSuz, and Theresa (there are more...check out my blog list). Not only are they inspiring me to write more, they're helping me feel normal! HA!

I am a SINNER. Big time. Who has so far to grow. God's been working on my heart a lot lately...pretty painful stuff. And I've been fighting him. Think Jonah. Not good. I need to get on my knees...maybe even my face and submit. Yuck! I've been putting it off too long. Why can't I just be good enough? Why can't life and relationships just be easy? If only I could just wake up tomorrow "fixed". But my marriage is worth fighting for...and changing for. My son needs the best mom possible. My hubs the best wife possible. My kids the best teacher possible. God needs my best. He gave me His best and at the end of the day, all that matters is eternity. And it matters so much.

I am fat. Not obese (yet) but fat. I have to own it. The doc says lose weight. I've never weighed more (except when pregnant). Although the doc says it's not why I'm not pregnant, I worry that it is. I don't want to be the fat, lazy mom with jiggly arms. I want a better second pregnancy and delivery and it's up to me to give myself the best shot at that by getting back to a healthy weight and into shape. But just like the heart work above, I've been fighting this. Putting it off. Making excuses. Being lazy.

I hate being broke. I feel like we're never ever ever going to get ahead. I hate that every month we spend every dime and don't really have anything to show for it. I try to remind myself that between the two of us we have 4 diplomas to show for it, 1 upside down home, 2 not new cars, a house full of assorted junk, 3 full bellies and apparently 1 fat ass. Sorry, couldn't pass it up. I really don't hate myself or my life. But I would really enjoy it if someone felt like writing a check to the United States Department of Education for about $75,000. Or Wells Fargo for about $230,000. And I really hate that it's baseball season (I'm now basically a widow) and almost anyone of those players could do both for us and not even blink. Our society and culture is so screwed up. I don't know how I would survive without my Faith. I barely survive with it! Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, go off the grid, and live in the middle of Wyoming...or no where. Since I know Wyoming, I know it's pretty close to no where:)

Coming full circle, I think that's part of why facebook was getting to me so much. Not only was I spending way too much time on there...the stuff people care about and post about is rarely uplifting, encouraging, inspiring, etc. And the relationships are superficial. Status updates in one or two sentences. Just enough information so that when you actually see someone face-to-face, you feel like you don't have anything new to talk about. I don't think facebook is evil and I don't think everyone needs to give it up. But I'm an addict. I rarely do anything small. And once I start, I don't know how to quit. (Can you tell? This post is LONG!).

Anyways. Some goals, resolutions, intentions, objectives, etc for the coming days, weeks, months...for the rest of my life. 1) Prioritize God again. Quiet time/Bible reading HAS GOT to get back into my DAILY routine. Even if it doesn't happen in a routine. It's got to happen. Morning, noon, or night doesn't matter. NOTHING else will work if I don't start here. 2) My physical health has to become a priority. I want to research becoming vegan...been reading some interesting stories about living a plant-based life lately. I'll share soon. It's okay for me to prioritize this. My hubs and son will thank me in the long-run. I bet even my students too. Who knows...maybe marathon #4 is in my near future? 3) Control my time and what I put into my head. Make it good stuff. Less "waste". 4) Love people. Work on viewing them through God's eyes. I'm such a task oriented person that I tend to be cold and rude when I'm busy. It's been a freaking ice age around me lately and it's time for summer.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Breathe...

I think I just reached the summit of my long-term position.

I hope it's all down hill from here.

I have every single day planned and almost every day prepped.

Phew. Like a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

Now I just have to teach and grade and deal with middle school students spring-time behavior. Doesn't that sound like fun?

:)