Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Private

One of the arguments the hubs and I have occasionally is over our differing opinions on what is too much information to share. I tend to be a more enthusiastic and an open share-er on social media (and in person) whereas he tends to be more private. Neither of us is wrong, it's just that my tendencies make him more uncomfortable than his make me in this particular case. SO, I try, (I really do) to consider him before posting, not to be like him but to honor him. I don't run everything by him so I'm pretty much constantly making him uncomfortable, lol, BUT it could be so much worse. After eleven years of marriage, whether you believe it or not, I bite my metaphorical tongue often and refrain from posting/sharing, etc.

All of that is simply background information to better understand the drastic shift I'm feeling right now. Maybe it's reactionary, there have been too many cases to count lately where I've tried to have conversations with people via facebook and they have gotten ugly fast (not always my doing). Maybe it's preparatory, as we head into fostering, I'm just going to have to be more private. Maybe it's cyclical...you know, that cycle. Maybe it's a little of everything but regardless of the why the how is that I pretty much sanitized my profile yesterday. I have a little bit more work to do before my current feelings are content but I'm just not feeling like I want to be such an open book anymore. One too many hurts. One too many misinterpretations. One to many judgments. One too many opinions. It's all left me feeling like I need to do a better job of protecting myself and heart.

Like I said above, I'm not really sure if this is all a good thing or something I'll get over in a few days but my heart has been very, very, sad the last few days. People can really suck. Especially when they don't have to say such hurtful things to your face. And I know I can be just as bad. So that's where a lot of the sadness comes from, I guess. Now I'm just rambling. Anyways...we'll see where this goes. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Who I want to be.

One of my biggest motivators in my "lists" is to be the kind of person who just does stuff. Instead of thinks about it and puts it off forever. My hope is to become the type of person who's list is always short instead of always long.

This means a couple of things: 

1. Some things have to be let go of. It's easy to say. "I want to do this or that" but I want to really think about it before I add it to my list.

2. Some things need to be a higher priority. In order to be this kind of person, I can't just keep putting things off until an easier moment. I can't just keep adding papers to the pile thinking, I'll file them later. I need to just file them RIGHT then. Or every night. Or whatever works. It's a mindset more than a specific rule. 

4. Some things need to drop way WAY down the priority list. Can we say social media? lol. But this is happening naturally as I focus on this year's list. I reach for my phone and laptop less often, I'm practically watching zero tv, And when I do start scrolling...I just don't want to keep mindlessly scrolling. All the other things just seem more important. 

Really pushing to get things that I've put off too long and can't be let go of done so that when we are licensed to foster my list is short...and stays that way. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Stalling

Sometimes I feel like people don't take me seriously when I talk about fostering. And I know it's because we took our first class almost a year ago and we're still so far from being licensed. And occasionally I even feel like I'm dragging my feet.

But I know why.

It's because I know what is coming. What will be required of me. What I'm going to have to sacrifice.

And I think this is exactly why this is the first year I've been truly motivated to check things off my "list".

I know I'm going to have to give up even more than I have had to with *just* two kids. I'm going to have less time to go around. These kids God is planning on bringing into our lives and home- they are going to require much from me. And so I'm working feverishly to cross things off my list, so that my list is shorter and I can focus on fostering.

The last thing I want is to resent these kids because they kept me from something I wasn't ready to sacrifice.

And the act of going through this list is fun because as this year has gone by, time has helped me realize where my priorities lie, where they should lie, and what things need to be let go of completely.

I'm not going to completely finish my 35by35 list. Partly because we just won't have the cash to do all the things I want to, partly because some things just aren't as important as they were 12 months ago, and partly because I haven't been 100% focused. But I'm down to 14 weeks and without sounding too prideful, I'm kicking butt! This has just been the best year and such a learning experience. 

Here's to finishing strong!