Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Pendulum

Okay, okay, I'm going to talk about how much I hate facebook again. My pendulum in this love/hate relationship is swinging back to the negative side. But this time it's not just facebook but technology and wasted time in general.

I'm dreaming of really living my life, instead of facebook living.

We're so 'connected' thanks to amazingly awesome technology...but it's so superficial. I'm realizing all my closest friends have moved away and instead of calling them, I rely on facebook photo and status updates. Not cool.

And instead of complaining that God moved all my closest friends away...I could be creating new close relationships here. Investing time in coffee-dates, play-dates, group workouts, etc. instead of just scrolling through ecards, memes, and inspirational Jesus quotes.

So yeah, I'm still struggling to figure out a balance. I love facebook. It really is an awesome tool. But there is so much else I'd rather be doing...and two little boys and their daddy who deserve a un-distracted mom/wife.

And a God who is calling me to so much more than this 'virtual' life.


Heart

We're helping my parents paint their house this summer. My dad has this week off and we're doing the prep work. It's hard work. And it's hot out. And watching my dad struggle brings up so much baggage.

When I see how hard it is for him to bend over, walk, or even just breath I get so angry. I'm angry that he is still able to hurt me by not caring for himself. I feel like if I was good enough, if he just loved me enough- or his grandsons enough- he would take better care of himself.

Why isn't he willing to do what it takes to change? Why is he okay with dying young (because he will)? Sidenote: He had a massive heart attack 5 or 6 years ago....and now weighs more than he did then. I've never seen him this unhealthy.

He was breathing hard just sitting on the couch today.

And I tell myself that I hope he just dies soon so all this will be over. I know that makes me sound heartless but it's kind of true. I'm so tired of wanting my dad to love me enough to stick around and make the changes necessary for that to happen. I'm so tired of my heart getting hurt. I'm so tired of hopes and prayers unfulfilled.

I'm tired of hurting.

And it makes me sad because I don't think he gets it. I don't think he actually believes he's worth it. I don't think he believes that God so loved him that he sent his only son to die for him, so that he could have eternal life. I don't think he believes that we, his family, love him enough to hope for him in our future memories.

It's so bad that everytime my phone rings and it's my mom, I wonder if this is 'the' phone call. Today, Griffin couldn't wake Grandpa up when he wanted a popsicle. Thank goodness he was only napping, but I'm prepared for that to actually happen soon.

I hate being so worried. I hate that I still love him. I hate that his choices hurt me and are going to hurt Griffin. I hate that Griffin is going to lose Grandpa Joe and not have a lifetime of memories of him. It hurts. And pisses me off.

I don't actually hope he dies soon. I want him to live 30 more years (he's only 57). But I also want him to be able to tie his shoes without needing to hold his breath.

Is it any wonder that I sought out and married the opposite of this. The way Ryan cares for himself and his body helps heal my heart. I know he loves us enough to do everything in his control to be around for a very long time. He makes me want to be a healthier person too. He sets such a great example and I love him so much for it.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Tides

I haven't been writing much lately. Or reading much either- as far as the blog world goes. It's more than just busy-ness. It's mostly that when I sit down to write (or read), it's just not in me. The tide is out so to speak.

Today I've been really fighting negative thoughts and feelings. Which is no surprise since we just talked about this last night in my book group at church. We're reading The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian and chapter 20 is all about refusing to be controlled by negative thoughts, feelings, depression, envy, etc. I wonder how many of the women from last night have had a rough day today too? I definitely feel under attack.

Maybe that's why I wanted to write tonight. To talk about how, even though I appear to be a strong, has-it-all-together, happy person...I really just want to be wanted, liked, and welcome.

Our house is on the market, we're finally trying to sell. And so we're looking for something to rent or buy. And on days like this I'm looking farther and farther away from my community, church, and family because I don't always feel wanted, liked, or welcome.

In fact, last night at church, I saw flyers for our annual church retreat and I grabbed one in excitement. I didn't get to go last year and I really want to go this year. But all day today I've been wondering if I'm even courageous enough to ask if I can go. I don't even know if I will be allowed, let alone wanted and welcomed. I seriously feel like someone who's heart was broken and is scared to get back into the dating scene.

Earlier this year I wasn't allowed to go to our annual women's retreat because I would have brought my 10 week old. Because I choose to nurse on demand. Because I don't want to leave my baby so early.

And when I tried to change the rule, the response I got by so many people in my church is that babies are a distraction.

If I'm ultimately and finally honest with myself, this response has made me feel unwanted and unwelcome at a place I've considered home for almost 20 years. Except in the lobby where everyone wants to talk about how cute the babies are. But I don't want to be limited to the lobby damnit. I want me and my sons to be welcome and wanted in the service, at retreats and events. I get that they can be wiggly and noisy and distracting. But so can your phone. And unlike your phone, I matter. My boys matter. We matter to God and we should matter to you. Our presence should be welcomed and wanted as members of the family of God.

So now I'm faced with the dilemma...do I go to the church retreat with my now 5 month old son knowing full well how many people will resent me for it because I will be distracting them or do I just stay home hurt and bitter that I'm not wanted until I'm free of little people.

So there you go, the reason I'm looking for homes on the other side of the mountains or on an island far far away from here.

Just for the record, I KNOW that most of these thoughts and feelings aren't true. I know that my battle is with an enemy who wants to keep me away from good things, who wants me to live in fear, and base my choices on his whispers but I won't let him win. However, tonight the truth is my heart does hurt because of what has been said and done.

My goal is to inspire change in the attitude of my church in a healthy way. Not sure how to do that. I'll start by praying and sharing my heart whenever I get the chance. Blogging is great practice :)


Friday, July 5, 2013

Favorites June 2013

Not very polished, I'm so busy. More on that later. But here are my favorite reads this month :)

Rule Breaker- What parenting 'rules' did/do you break?

One Trouble After Another- Just hold on to Jesus!

My sons are not gone, they're just dead- By Kyle Mattews

Breast Kept Secrets- a weekly series this summer

One Sunday Morning by Beth

Rainbow Connections by Kelly

Advice by Kelsey

For such a time as this. Now.

Ultimate Summer Bucket List

It gets better

Alternative Childbirth classes....this one is FUNNY!

I'm going to miss...

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Blog lovin'

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