Monday, October 31, 2011

Battle

Battling emotions today. But I'm reminded of what Patsy Clairmont said this weekend:

GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A WILL THAT IS STRONGER THAN YOUR EMOTIONS!!!

I CAN ACT IN A WAY DIFFERENT THAN I FEEL!!!

My emotions, my feelings, have been hijacked by my significant other today. You know when they have a bad day and vomit their emotions all over you and its so hard to maintain your equilibrium. Yep, today has been just like that. So my will is battling my emotions.

Standing firm on the TRUTH. I am God's beloved daughter and HE has got me, my family and our finances and future in HIS capable, loving, merciful hands.

Take that Satan. Take that feelings.

Love this song from Chris Tomlin,

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There’s no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There’s no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There’s no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against? 
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God… 
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Women of Faith

I was blessed to spend the last 2 days at the Women of Faith conference when it came to Seattle. I was desperately in need of some spiritual food and my soul feels rested, fed, loved, encouraged, convicted and challenged. I'm too sleepy tonight to digest much but plan on spending some quality time reviewing my notes and my heart!

Plus, in a very clear answer to my "I-need-more-sleep-prayers" I know what I need to do. Stop DOING things and GO TO BED. Early. When Griffin goes down. It's not the answer I wanted. What I wanted was a baby that miraculously started sleeping all night until 7 or 8am so I could do everything I wanted and still get plenty of sleep.

The problem is how angry, impatient, grumpy, frustrated and mean I have become while chronically sleep deprived and stubbornly unchanging in my obsessions to get everything done before I go to bed. And I've failed to prioritize quiet times and workouts- two things I desperately need for my physical and emotional health.

Well, last night I fell asleep at 8pm when I put Griffin down. And even though he woke me up every 2-ish hours I woke feeling rested and cheerful this morning. And I never got angry and frustrated with his crying, tossing and turning, and nursing!! And it dawned on me that if I start going to bed with him and getting some good rest...and he starts sleeping better, I could actually get my quiet times and workouts done in the morning!

Again, not the answer I want since I'm a natural night owl but it's the grown-up-pull-up-your-big-girl-panties-and-deal-with-it answer I need:) So with all that said, it's past my bedtime! Good-night and may God bless you with renewal and refreshment for your life and soul!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I've got nothing

I'm completely restless. Unable to sleep, despite being exhausted. And I'm feeling like all my feelings are completely ridiculous. Like all my "problems" are first world problems and most of the world would consider my blessed beyond measure.

Looking forward to Women of Faith this weekend. I need a good, baby-free, event with God.

Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. And there has been a lot of ugly stuff coming out of me lately.

Motherhood and life are beating me to a pulp right now. God is definitely reminding me that I'm just human and a fallen, broken one at that.

Wish I could sleep and just wake up happy. And rested.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Time

Since having Griffin I've watched a lot less TV. And I haven't missed it. It frees up a lot of my time to keep up the house, cook meals, play with the boys.

Lately though, I've been realizing how much of my time the internet eats up. Especially facebook. I'm just thinking and praying about how far to take it. Keep an account and just limit my time or get rid of it all together.

It's a nice tool for keeping in touch...except that I'm wondering if I'm really keeping in touch. All I'm really getting is superficial status updates.

And I've been missing my friends lately.

So I think I'll send an email and get the real story!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Foundations

Some friends of ours have hit a rough patch in their new marriage and the hubs and I have been doing our best to help them out.

I'm just reminded of how hard marriage is and how much you have to work to have a great one. It doesn't matter who you marry, to have a great marriage requires hard work, lots of compromise, and even more forgiveness. But it's so worth it. Seven years in and I love my hubby MORE than when we tied the knot. We have more shared experiences and stuff now...not to mention the kid. But he has also done so much to prove to me his loyalty and faithfulness and grown my love for him.

You see, I don't believe in falling in love. That implies you can fall out of it. Love is a choice. Sometimes the best way to tell your spouse you love them is simply by not leaving.

Love is patient. Which means the person we love will try our patience, requiring US to be patient.
Love is kind. Which means the one we love will be unkind, requiring US to be kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love isn't proud.
Love doesn't dishonor others.
Love isn't self-seeking.
Love isn't easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always preservers.
Love never fails.

I have a long way to go until I'm good at this, but its what I'm aiming for. It's what I'm praying for, for my marriage and those of all my friends. I'm so grateful for a husband who is willing to compromise, ask and offer forgiveness, and kiss and make-up. He's a keeper and I'm a lucky woman!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Again!??

Blindsided again.

This time by jealousy.

I have now lost count of how many pregnant friends I have.

And I want to join them SO BAD. I know God's timing is perfect.

But MY timing says it should have happened already so that Ryan would have the summer off with me. Griffin and sibling would be close in age (and of course therefore turn out to be best friends).

Never thought I'd be the one jealous of my pregnant friends. God sure is teaching this Momma a few lessons. All at the same time! Sheesh...if he's not careful, I'll be perfect soon. HAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. God is good, all the time! And this Momma is craving a baby...another one. I must be crazy:)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I-dentity

I've read enough books to know I'm normal...but getting here and being here is still a shock. Yet another experience I thought only other people dealt with.

I'm talking about feeling like you're losing yourself, your "you-ness", your identity in mommyhood.

My husband, totally innocently, recommended that I drop something from my schedule because I'm so busy...and sometimes that results in me feeling overwhelmed. Not always, but occasionally.

Poor guy didn't know what was coming.

It was a therapeutic conversation since it helped me verbalize what I'm feeling. And it's helped both of us figure out how to help me!

Now I know that I need to hold onto some of the things I love FOR ME. And I can ask the hubs to help me keep them. Because a happy wife equals a happy life! LOL!

But seriously, becoming a mother seriously affects every aspect of a woman's life. You give up your body to feed them, your sleep to comfort them, your work (however briefly or long) to nurture them. You give up showering alone, making dinner with 2 hands, doing anything quickly and efficiently. You literally have to fight (the little one and sometimes the big one) for quiet time, a work out, a pedicure, time in the yard...and I guess what I just realized is that I NEED some of that, enough to ask for it, fight for it, and force it to happen.

I NEED an hour a week at The Farm, weeding, planting, picking, sweating. I NEED to make dinner (occasionally) without someone whining and crying at my feet. I NEED a long hot bath that the kiddo sleeps all the way through. I NEED an outlet where I can use my professional skills and adult vocabulary.

I made it almost 11 months without realizing this. Without being able to articulate it. I'm so burned out from putting Griffin's needs first, I'm glad I made this realization before I actually went crazy.

I'm excited to have Ryan on my team. I'm excited that Griffin is getting more closer to independence (from me) everyday. And I'm excited to intentionally start adding things FOR ME back into my days, weeks, and months. Who knows...maybe I'll end up well balanced before baby #2 comes along and messes it all up again?!