Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Eating my emotions

Anyone else do this? I know I'm not alone. So I did better than I would have ever thought possible for 7 days. And then THIS week started. There is so much happening and so much emotional stress, everything went out the window.

And guess what? I'm feeling SUPER tired and have gained some weight back. In just two days. BUT I'm not experiencing 'extreme emotionality' and I haven't had chicken. Hmmm?

So it's back to 'The Plan' tomorrow but this time no chicken.

And instead of eating, I'm going to pray.

For my sister who has a scheduled c-section on Thursday but really wants a chance at a vbac. And just got sent home from triage.

For my new niece, I can't wait to meet her Thursday (or before)!

For my husband, who finds out if he passed pro-teach on Friday.

For myself, who DOES get to go on the church retreat. I really really really need to hear from God.

For myself, who needs to change so that our family can change.

For my boys. All three of them. That God would would draw them to Himself.

I'm really getting excited for school to start. I love the chance to start 'fresh' and I'm thinking, praying, and dreaming about what our family's schedule should look like. What needs to get cut, added, prioritized, rearranged, etc. Thinking about morning's with the boys and incorporating Bible stories/lessons into our routine, bedtimes, workouts, etc.

Praying for, above all else, God's will. With our house. Our finances. Our jobs. Our lives.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Better

I'm feeling so much better. Unloading here. Talking with my mom and a few friends and a couple mentors. I feel understood, heard, and most importantly- not alone.

Things are still hard. Really hard.

Ryan finds out this Friday about ProTeach. Janae's c-section is scheduled for Thursday. Sullivan has a check-up at Children's on Tuesday. That's a lot of emotional stress for me. I think I will feel 10 pounds lighter when it's all over.

Still no offers on the house (I refuse to count $30,000 under asking price as an offer).

I'm usually okay with unknowns...I prefer a plan but I'm pretty good at rolling with 'it' but this time feels different. This week might just kill me. I have no idea how Ryan will react to his 'grade', passing or failing. God help us all if it's a failing grade.

I just might be able to make it to Visioncast. I really think I need it. At least I know I need a weekend away and I think it would be better to be with my church, focusing on Christ, than alone. Time to schedule another girls weekend away for sure.

Not much to say really. Just feeling better. Lighter. Encouraged.

Thanks Jesus ;)

Friday, August 16, 2013

Letting go

I've made a few posts tonight ;)

It's so good to get it out, to let it go.

Because, ultimately, at the end of the day I want what HE wants. And I believe without a doubt that HIS ways are higher than mine.

And as I process all these feelings, I find comfort in David's psalm:

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
HE refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths,
for His name's sake.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, 
I will fear no evil, 
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me, 
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
all the days of my life,
 and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

There really is nothing else, is there? It all comes back to Him. It all comes from Him in the first place. Who am I but a servant? This is not about me. These first world problems that I face. These emotions I struggle with. I live this life because I was rescued and redeemed, and it is an honor to give it back to my Savior. What a measly offering, this broken and sickly heart of mine. I am in awe that He can see and create beauty in it at all.

Goodnight. May peace be yours tonight, as it is finally mine.

Boys

Mothering boys is a tall order. Sometimes I feel like God misjudged my abilities in giving me kids, especially the ones he gave me. Mothering is so so so hard. Being a wife is so so so hard. In desperation tonight I pulled all my parenting books off my shelf and started, "That's My Son; How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character" by Rick Johnson. I'm going to try and start putting more of this in my head and less facebook, etc.

My boys need it. My husband deserves it.

And I'm going to pray until I get what I want: A small group. With a 'Karen'.


Change

Change has to happen. It just has to.

I feel like a rubber-band that has been pulled tight for too long.

I'm feeling hopeless that our house will sell. After all the angst over deciding what to do, we are finally both on the same page at the same time...and it just sits. It's depressing and discouraging. I feel like God gave us both a vision of simplicity, smaller and simpler living, and it's not within reach. And at the same time, I wouldn't mind staying...just not with things the way they are. This is too much house for us, so I want God to fill it up. And to give us the means to afford it. Because we're so barely making it right now, it's so hard to constantly say 'no' because we can't afford a single thing. There are so many things I wish we could do but this stupid house and mortgage keep us from them. Like Visioncast, our annual church retreat. $100/person. Nope. Like an occasional date. HA! Not when we're using our church's foodbank just to keep food on the table. Like a camping trip. Or a Mariner's game. Nope. Can't do it.

I'm quitting facebook for awhile because it's not helping. It's making it so much worse to see everyone else doing all the things we can't.

I need set boundaries. To focus on the Truth instead of my feelings.

Truth I need to hear tonight: Hebrews 13: 5-6, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' SO we say with confidence, 'The LORD is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?'"

So even though I'm feeling left out, abandoned, hopeless, tired, angry, depressed, discouraged, useless-  MY GOD IS HERE. I am NOT alone. I have NOT been abandoned. I have hope. I have a HELPER.

I WILL NOT BE AFRAID. What can mere mortals do to me?

Facebook Makes Me Sad.

I'm sure, if you're on facebook, you've seen the recent results of a study that shows the more you use facebook the sadder you tend to be.

And if you know me, you know I have a love/hate relationship with facebook.

I love it. I really do. I keep up with far flung friends and family, I get to see glimpses into my friends daily lives, watch their kids and pets grow up and do silly things, celebrate triumphs, mourn losses, prayer for those close to me as well as perfect strangers, the 'community' and camaraderie help keep me sane as a wife, mom, teacher, human.

But I hate it. It's addicting. I too often choose it over real people, namely my husband and sons. It's depressing to watch people get new cars, go on vacations, buy new homes, new clothes, new electronics, post happy pictures. I feel left out when people post pictures of events that I wasn't invited to or couldn't make it to. Or when a friend seems to be spending a lot of time with other people and not me. When other people get jobs, get raises, etc. It's one sided. Because I'm not really involved in their lives I don't know what is really going on. I don't know the whole picture. So it just leaves me feeling like everyone else has it easy and intentionally leaves me out.

And right when the results of this study were posted, I was (am currently) struggling with my contentment, my joy, my hope and I notice these things being directly negatively influenced by what I see on facebook.

So tonight, I'm going to tie up some loose ends and then take a break. I don't know how extreme or a time frame. But to be convicted, to see the negative results and do nothing- just isn't an option any longer.

"The Plan" update

So far I'm loving this. Seriously. Check it out here.

I'm down 6lbs in 4 days. I'm feeling GOOD. No cravings. I'm eating TONS of real food. And it's good. 

Although, I think I may be reactive to chicken. Or possibly Sullivan and I have thrush on our faces. He's had it on his face for a week or so now and I woke up today with it on the left side. But I've had chicken the last 3 nights and every night has been crazy emotional for me. Thinking I might cut it back out and see what happens (since she says extreme emotionality can be a sign of reactivity,)

Hoping, praying, dreaming of running without joint pain. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Day 2

I did great on day 1, except that at 9pm I was so hungry I thought I was going to die so I ate a banana! I'm definitely going to have to adapt this since I'm still breastfeeding. For example, I'm drinking more water than I'm supposed to.

Today went well...mostly. I went to my parents' house to work on painting but forgot my key. So I hung out outside with the boys waiting for my sister to get there with her key. I had brought lunch and had planned on eating as soon as we got there but because I couldn't get inside, I ate my snack first...and ended up sharing it with Griffin. I tried so hard to hide it from him because I was so hungry- it kind of made me feel like a bad mom!

I also ended up eating my lunch in 3 sittings. The salad, then the broccoli, then the soup. Dinner was in 2 sittings, rice and veggies first, followed by the carrot and beet salad later.

I cheated today too. I had a handful of grapes at my mom's house and a second set of 8 almonds tonight.

I don't think I reacted to almonds at all, I'm interested to see what the scale says in the morning!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Day one- again

I seem to always be able to start things but rarely finish them.

So tomorrow is another day 1. This time my goal is only 20 days and thankfully those 20 days come with a meal plan and recipes:)

I'm trying something new. "The Plan" by Lyn-Genet Recitas. Her premise is that by eliminating foods that trigger inflammation in your body (and every body is different), you can lose weight and feel great. Two things I want more of, lol!

So my goals, obviously- I'd love some help losing some baby weight BUT I'm not your standard 'girl' obsessed with the scale. I honestly don't care what the scale says as long as I can get back to feeling great. This time though I want to go beyond feeling great about how I look and feel to feeling great literally in my joints. I want to run again without joint pain. That is my biggest goal. And I'm willing to cut out or limit foods that may be preventing that.

So here's to healthy living...and feeling better than ever! I'll keep you posted on how things are going:)

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Relate

I've really been struggling the last couple of days. I do think I can attribute most of this emotional rollercoaster to postpartum craziness...but just because I know that doesn't mean it's any easier.

Not being allowed to attend my church's women's retreat with my 10 week old...still bothering me. In fact, it's bothering me more, not less, over time. Double in fact, I'm still crying about it. I'm still dumbfounded that other women can't remember how desperate they were for fellowship and connection when the kids were little. I can't believe they aren't willing to open up to 'us' and be a mentor/life preserver. It hurts my feelings in a very profound way, it makes me feel unwelcome and unwanted somewhere that I consider my home and family even more so than the ones I'm related too. I've been going to this church for almost twenty years and for the first time I am seriously considering leaving.

These are the people who loved me through my teenage years. Because they've invested so much into my life, I'm going to talk with a few leaders and get their opinions, seek their advice. I need to know if the attitude/culture is changeable or if I'm just not their target audience. Because that's okay (me not being their target audience) but if that's the case, I want to be a part of a body of Christ that is family friendly. And by that I mean so much more than has a rocking Children's church full of volunteers. I mean that people enjoy seeing you and your kids and welcome the little ones into the service. I'm not asking to let my 2 year old run rampant but he shouldn't be hidden in a nursery somewhere because he might distract an adult. Don't get me wrong, I love the nursery- in fact I run ours- but I wonder if we aren't missing out on some of God's blessing because kids are treated as an annoyance instead of a blessing (at least during the service). .

I need to know what's going on with my church, where my leadership falls because we're selling our house and looking at rentals. If' I'm looking for a new church as well, that expands our search area and could make a big difference.

Prayers appreciated.