Good

A new baby is here! Brooks Henry was born just a couple of hours ago.

It makes me want one. Bad! But I already have one...he's just not so much a baby anymore: 

(Blurry seems to be the only way I get pics anymore, my little mover!)

And I trust God. I really, really, really do. All in his timing. It will be perfect- whatever "it" ends up being.

I certainly have it good- although my heart aches, it is not broken.

Unlike Sarah or Diana. Two mommies who are going through unimaginably hard times and inspiring and encouraging me to lean on God and trust him. Although our stories are so different I find so much hope and strength in their faith. If you have a moment, read these ladies' stories and send a little (or big) prayer their way.

Weight Loss Wednesday- Week 6

Holy Cow! Really?! REALLY? FIVE completed weeks!! And no weight loss!! ERG!

Well, I'm pretty sure when I step on the scale in the morning there won't be any weight lost because there wasn't this morning. (But we have an early morning and busy day tomorrow, so I thought I should write this tonight.)

HOWEVER, this was the second week in a row that someone at church asked me if I've lost weight and even my husband says he can see a difference. SO at least I'm looking better, my pants are fitting better, and I'm feeling better.

Week 1 of P90X is done- I probably gave it 80% effort. I didn't want to kill myself and I'm not actually looking to get ripped. Just worked out. And it has been quite effective- so far the hardest video for me was the Yoga. LOVED it! Only made it 20-25 minutes. This one will definitely be added into my rotation. I'm also thinking I won't do 90 days of the program but figure out my own routine- because, I miss the treadmill. How weird is that? Anyways- I'm thinking I'll rotate through videos and treadmill time. No plan yet...maybe by next week.

Although I personally sucked at my weekly projects- I rocked at my summer list. I deep cleaned almost the whole house...just the kitchen, laundry room, and coat closet to go. And I mean deep cleaned. Ceiling fans, baseboards, walls. Tons of rearranging. Our house looks awesome! The wall is all ready for the piano from my parent's house- just have to figure out logistics and man power. Have piles of things to craigslist, garage sale, donate, and trash!

Fell behind on my bible reading by a day because I was reading a book. For pleasure! The Jericho Sanction by Oliver North. My parents gave it to us years ago for Christmas and I've never gotten around to reading it. I give it a B+. Entertaining. But not great.

Oh yeah, I turned 32 this week. Loving it. Seriously- my 30s are turning out to be the best years yet!

Ryan's card- so appropriate:)

(not sure why I can't get the inside rotated)

 Pumpkin Pie's card...

You know you've been TTC for a long time when the 21 month old is getting impatient:) 

In progress...best birthday present EVER! 

Granted we paid for 95% of it but the labor was free! I have a fabulously talented FIL!

(Both sets of parents provided gift cards or cash in my cards to help with the cost.)

So here's next week's "plan"...I didn't update or change the P90X workouts yet but those will be different, nor do I have a weight yet. But now I have one less thing to do in the morning! Have a great week!

To be fair

I'm not always upbeat and happy.

I really really try to always look on the bright side- but that's often easier for me to do TO others than FOR myself.

Night time is usually my darkest time. No pun intended. And tonight is no different.

Blah. Drag. Sigh.

What happened to all my inner sunshine from today? Where does it go? I wish I had more control over my hormonal/emotional roller coaster.

Seriously. Today was my birthday and it was pretty stinking awesome.

Going to go take my own advice: Listen to worship music. Pray. Read. Give myself an attitude adjustment.

Or maybe just go to sleep.

4am. Really? Really.

So last night I went to bed "early" so that I could get up earlier and try to get my first P90X workout in. And by early I mean 11pm- I've been consistently going to bed around midnight lately. MUCH later than my school-year schedule. And not helpful with a toddler who hasn't been sleeping well.

The hubs asked me what time I was going to get up- I answered, "Whenever I wake up. I'm not setting an alarm. I'm just going to bed early so I can drag myself out of bed instead of trying to go back to sleep until the kid forces me awake." Which has been between 7 and 9am lately. A pretty decent night's sleep for me.

And I was exhausted yesterday after my big alone productive day on Tuesday. 

So can you tell me why I am WIDE AWAKE at 3:45am? It's now almost 5. I've been completely unsuccessful at going back to sleep. WHAT THE HELL?! 

I've peed twice. I've stretched. I've prayed. I've switched sides of the bed. 

All to no avail. 

At this point I know if I fall back asleep, the wake up call from Pumpkin Pie is going to make me want to cry. 

It's my birthday for crying out loud!

I just wanted to sleep until, like, 6am or something. I really don't ask for much. 

Definitely planning on a nap today. 

Weight Loss Wednesday- week 5

This has been a pretty awesome week. I am down .5lb from the very beginning! It's not much, but I'll take it.  And I've been very consistent (except the last 2 days) on the treadmill. Monday was the first day I just walked instead of running. My knees and shins were very achy when I tried to run and if there is one thing I've learned while being a "runner" is to ease up when things get this way in order to prevent major injuries/recovery time. I was even asked if I've lost weight at church on Sunday! And quite frankly- I care way more about how I look and feel than what the scale says. If my weight stays the same but I can firm up, I'll be happier than if I lose weight but stay squishy. 

I enjoyed a day to myself yesterday. The hubs took Pumpkin up to Grandma and Grandpa's for the day while I stayed home and cleaned/organized. I got SO much done. I think I need this to be a weekly event this summer! It was extremely therapeutic and it relieves so much stress to get things crossed off my to-do list. For starters, I grocery shopped- Costco and Fred Meyer and stayed on budget! Then I sort of multi-tasked. I would clean for awhile and get bored, then go work in the office, then do some laundry. It was fabulous! I did not get a before shot of our office but you could not see the carpet No exaggeration! This is the room that for the last 5-6 months, I have literally opened the door and thrown stuff into. It was a nightmare! And now check it out:

 (Formerly Pumpkin's nursery- just needs a paint job)

 All my "projects" are now organized in the closet...just waiting for me!

Side two- this side is less projects and more "office supplies". Either way- now I can find what I want fairly quickly!

I also destroyed a fair amount of evidence. So much so the shredder kept overheating and I would have to go work on something else while I waited for it to cool down. 

The hubs and FIL have been working hard on our pergola the last 3 days. All the wood is stained (so pretty!) and it's about half constructed after their workday today. Hopefully tomorrow (my birthday) it will be all finished. I just need the rain to hold off until evening. Pretty Please!!! I'll take some pics and share soon. It's going to be freaking rad and help make all that hard full-time work over the last semester worth it. It's also going to help me care less about the crappy housing market. 

I've been rocking the water. I think technically the current recommendation is to drink your weight in ounces of water a day- that would mean I would need to drink FIVE water bottles a day. I don't keep exact track of how much I drink (sometimes I fill up before empty because we're leaving the house or something) but I don't think my bladder could handle 5!

Rocking the Bible reading too. I was right, reading it twice as fast is actually easier for me. It makes it feel substantial and worth my effort. Good stuff in that book:) 

For this coming week- I have P90X now! I'm going to try and figure out how to get an hour workout in in the mornings. I think it means I have to go to bed earlier than midnight so I can get up and at it before Pumpkin is ready for the day. AND I'm still going to try to walk (run when I feel up to it) 30 minutes a day- this will probably be in the evenings after Pie goes to bed. I feel like even if I'm too tired or sore to run, getting an evening walk in will only help. I would love to get pregnant again but weigh at the end what I weighed at the beginning last time. At the very least my neighbor who just had her second and ran the whole pregnancy has inspired me to not give up workouts when the time comes. Her labor was less than 2 hours!! That is FORTY-TWO hours less than Pumpkin Pie. THAT is what is motivating this weight-loss/get healthy journey:)

Although I did great working at my summer to-do list this week, nothing is actually finished. My goal this week is to simply wrap up a couple projects (like the garage).

Love and Respect

On the recommendation of our pastor and numerous friends, I'm finally reading Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. And I must say, that for all everyone raves about this book- I'm just not getting it. The guy is w.o.r.d.y. and l o n g w i n d e d and repetitiverepetitive. Despite that, it is good stuff. I'm just tired of Dr. E "yelling" at me as if I'm some bitter angry woman who henpecks my husband to death, has zero respect for him, and isn't willing to change until he proves himself to be 100% perfect.

Let's be honest, I'm not perfect, no where near it- and I KNOW IT. Thank you very much. So why would I require him to be?

That's why I'm reading your book.

To try and do a better job at being an awesome wife.

So I'm trying Dr. Eggerichs. That's why I'm reading your book. So give me some freaking credit please.

Is this terrible- but I think I'd like the non-Christian version of this book soooo much better. Or maybe the John Ortberg version of this book.

(Side note: John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted is the "for dummies" version of Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster. The latter took me over a year to read and hurt my head worse than some of my college statistics homework, while Ortberg's was easy and smooth to read and made a huge impact on me in a week or two. I highly recommend it...maybe I should revisit it!).

Weight Loss Wednesday Week 3

So this week went much better! I'm back to my "starting" weight which is down 3lbs from last week. I've been super consistent with the treadmill. I'm starting to worry about my knee though- the right one is a little achy. I've been reading our Runner's World magazines and am trying to change my stride so that I land on my fore-foot instead of heel- I guess people swear it helps with preventing injuries. And when it comes time for new shoes I think I'm going to try the low-slope ones or whatever they're called- I'm assuming the shoe experts at Jock 'N Jill or Run 26 will guide me like they always have!

The best part about all this- believe it or not- I'm wanting to get out of bed before Pumpkin wakes up in order to get my run in. I'm also seriously loving my ipod beats to pump me up...you should see me run to Jesse's Girl the Glee version (think Rachel and Phoebe in the running episode:). Let's just say there is some fist pumping that usually occurs...and if my treadmill wasn't in my garage where my neighbors could hear me, there would be some serious top-of-my-lungs singing along!

I've done pretty good with my water goal. I would have done better if my indestructible Nalgene hadn't destructed: 

Don't worry- I picked up a new one today- for free!

I'm also doing awesome at my Bible reading- speeding up the pace seems to help me. It's more like reading a book instead of getting just a short 2 or 3 chapter snippet in every night. Oh, and I don't like reading in the morning anymore. I'm definitely a night-time reader now. Which means sometimes I miss out because I fall asleep while putting the boy to bed but then I just pick up where I left off the next day. This isn't supposed to be rigid- just goals to aim at. Sometimes you over achieve other times you don't.

As for my PsOTW: our garage is rocking it. I just have a couple small details to wrap up...and a few things to craigslist/garage sale/donate and then I'll post pictures to make you all jealous of my Monica-ness. (I'm really throwing out the FRIENDS references lately- maybe it's time for another go-round with all 10 seasons!). We bought wood to build our pergola with! Step 1 and $450 down. Yikes. Just need to stain and build- that's on the schedule for next Monday and Tuesday!! So freaking excited!! I finally cleaned the fish tank. Have I mentioned that I can't wait to be pet free some day. The tank creates a nice ambiance and white noise but I just want less chores! I've still managed to avoid the magnetic locks...and that was going to be the first thing I did this summer. But now that we're home and playing with Pumpkin so much- he isn't getting into the cabinets as much. Maybe this week?! And even though I didn't work in the office this week- I'm using it!! Computer pretty much stays on the desk now, which really helps me give Pumpkin Pie undivided attention...which means life is just more pleasant around here! Yay for solutions to problems!

Here's next week's lists: 

ALL the time

God is good! God is good, all the time!

Yesterday I woke up still feeling really sorry for myself and sad that another friend has been able to get pregnant while we still haven't.

So I got my weepy butt onto the treadmill and cranked up the worship music- I've never cried during a run before but I found two out of date hidden gems in my "Christian" playlist that really spoke to my hurting heart.

The first one was This Day by Steven Curtis Chapman. This song really spoke to me that nothing has changed! Just because another friend is pregnant doesn't mean God has suddenly forgotten or abandoned  me. My hope and faith that He will grow our family in His timing and His way (pregnancy, adoption, etc.) has not changed. And most importantly I still trust Him. I know that His way will be way better than I can even imagine.

Yesterday the sky was bright and clear

I could see the sun and I could hear the song

Faith flowed like a river free and deep

And grace was not so hard to be believed

But that was yesterday 

And what was close enough to touch

Now seems a world away

So what about this day

This day all His mercies are new

This day every promise is true

Father, help me to believe

Give me faith I need to know You

And trust You this day

This day

Who knows what tomorrow's light will bring

Tears to cry or maybe songs to sing out loud

But only God can see that far away 

And He made us for living day by day

'Cause He wants us to see

That the God that He's been every day of history

Is who He is this day

'Cause You are the same yesterday and today and forever

Through every season Your truth and Your grace never change

Oh, Lord, I do believe that the God that You've been every day of history

Is who You are this day

This day...this day

This day Your mercies are new

This day Your promise is true

This day my hope is in You, Lord

This day

The second song was Wonder Why by Avalon. This one was a big piece of humble pie reminding me about what really matters (eternity) and that my calling is bigger than another pregnancy. I am already in the midst of all that God has called me to do- my marriage, my one child, all the friends, neighbors, acquaintances he's placed in my life- they are there specifically. I need to be focusing on living my life so that they are drawn closer to Christ not pushed further away. I need to quit sitting on the couch, eating and pouting, waiting to get pregnant- waiting for my life to start- and start living my life. For crying out loud, it's God given and amazing! I don't want to waste another day!

Why, Why, tell me do you wonder why

Some can look so hard and miss the truth

Some wills tumble over it a hundred times

And never ever see the living proof

Well, there's a kind of love the world could never deny

Let everybody see it in our lives

The world will wonder why

If you and I will shine His light

And hearts will discover life when we decide

To let ours go

We've got to give it up

And live the love

That opened our eyes

Live your life

The world will wonder why

Why, why, someone try and tell me why

We would want it any other way

A heart could change before our very eyes

Well, I've seen the difference love can make

Where is the kind of love this world could never explain

It's time to live the gospel unashamed

If we were living with a passion

What would be the reaction

I know a single heart can change the world

If we were loving with a strong love

Then their eyes would see

And the world might believe

Hard

Finding it really hard to be happy for another pregnant (close) friend.

It's not that I'm not happy for her, it's that my sadness is louder than my happiness tonight.

Trusting and waiting are hard things. Really, really hard sometimes.

Weight Loss Wednesday- Week 2

This week has gone better, although I still gained a pound. I think my downfall is twofold: 1) I need to print my lists so I see them multiple times a day and 2) I have GOT TO start eating differently. As in I really need to quit at some point. It's so easy to just graze all day long on summer break. I need to be much more intentional about what I put in my mouth and really focus on eating less goldfish! 

Yes, I got FOUR workouts in this week. Way better than the single solitary walk I did the week before. AND this is with Pumpkin being sick (like 103 degree fever, puke, and Hand-Foot-Mouth sick). I was incredibly inspired by this post by my friend Rebecca and the videos she shares links to. Especially this one. For whatever reason "it" clicked and I've had fantastic workouts that I have *gasp* enjoyed the last three days. 

I'm rocking the water drinking, if I do say so myself. Think I'm going to try for four water bottles a day this coming week. That will take me to 128oz/day. I need a challenge- ha! At least something is easy:)

I also figured out that I need to be more specific with my "bible" goal- so since I started out planning on reading the Bible in a year and totally fell off the wagon when my full-time job started and because the year is exactly half over, I've decided to aim for the whole Bible in 6 months. I'm just taking the full-year plan and aiming for 2 days of reading each day. I think this might actually work because it's more reading at one sitting and actually feels like I'm making progress rather than trudging through. (You know some of those OT books feel like trudging- don't judge me please:)!

I got a little bit done with my projects this week. The garage is straightened and swept- I need a good chunk of kid-free time to finish it. Our stumps are coming out TOMORROW! Just a year in the making!! We conquered Costco and Target with the little man in one morning- not an easy feat lately. He does NOT want to be in the cart or hold your hand, and when we use the leash he refuses to walk in the direction you need to go. ERG. You can walk into our office now!!! It's been the room I open the door to and literally throw stuff into since about February...maybe March. Think Monica's secret messy closet on FRIENDS. So much stuff is lost in there right now but at least now it's in "neat" piles and you can see the floor. Baby steps, my friends. And lastly, I called a couple of bike shops and it is $60+ PER BIKE for a tune-up...so we're going to internet educate ourselves and try to do it ourselves. At least this way, if we end up paying for the professionals to do it, at least they'll have something to fix do. And hopefully we'll save $120+. We can spend that $$ on a bike trailer instead and get the monster kiddo out of the house more often. 

So all-in-all, I'm pretty pleased with this week. I am inspired and motivated and am figuring out what works for me this time around. I didn't think it would be the treadmill and lists but hey- you go with what works!

Zoo

If you have yet to see Matt Damon's We Bought A Zoo, you need to stop everything and go rent it. Right. Now. Seriously. It may not be the best movie ever made but it's incredible.

And it really broke this mom's heart.

The movie is based on a true story of what a dad and his kids do after the mom dies. Of course I cried- you know you will too just based on that premise right? Because, quite frankly, if the thought of what your family would go through if you died while your kids were young doesn't make you cry...well, I just don't know what to say to you.

That is exactly where my brain was through most of the movie. The kids (and dad) missed their mom. Desperately.

That really, really hit me hard because I've been feeling like a terrible mom lately (more details on that later). What struck me was that even if my mothering leaves room for improvement (which trust me, it does) I'm the only mommy Pumpkin Pie knows, so of course he would miss me.

And because he loves me so thoroughly, especially at only 20 months old, I should be living and loving as if each day could be my last. What's to say I won't get cancer or die unexpectedly in a car accident or fill in the blank.

This goes for the way I treat the husband too.

I can't wait until I feel like it to be nicer. Or more patient. Or more gentle.


"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galations 5:22-23

(Side note: I wasn't really sure what forbearance meant, check out what dictionary.com says- emphasis mine:
1. The act of forbearing; a refraining from something. 2) forbearing conduct or quality; patient endurance; self-control. 3. An abstaining from the enforcement of a right. 4) a creditor's giving of indulgence after the day originally fixed for payment.)

So here's the part where I've been failing as a mommy:

Pumpkin Pie is fully into what I would call the "terrible twos". And it's AWFUL. "Mine!" and "NO, I DO! I DO! I DO!" are constant companions these days. He intentionally disobeys and misbehaves. He is quite literally an exhausting nightmare to parent right now. Even the grandparents agree- THAT'S how bad it is.

And I've been treating him as such.

Think about that for a moment. How do you treat someone you don't want to be around? It's not always pretty is it? I've been short with him. Ignoring him. Distancing myself, literally and emotionally, from him. Not so much "Fruits of the Spirit".

And last night, watching We Bought a Zoo, something in me broke. Something prideful, selfish, and sinful.

I feel like I would be disappointed in myself if I were to die right now. This is not how I want to parent or be remembered by my child or husband. I don't want my baby to ever think I don't love him for a minute. And although I can fake it through my actions pretty well- I wonder if he's picking up on my attitude. My annoyance at how needy and clingy and hard  he is right now.

I've also read some really encouraging articles about how God gives us our children intentionally. WE are the parents they need- THEY are the children we need. So starting the minute the movie was over I've vowed to embrace the terrible twos. To not miss this phase by zoning out or passing him off. That's not to say I won't ever ask for grandma to babysit help. I'm just willing to make the sacrifices necessary to parent my child well through this phase. 


I know what I need to do. I need to "do" less. I need to turn off the computer and get down on the floor with him a lot more than I am. I have to give up even more of myself, for the moment, in order to meet my child's needs. And if those "things" are important enough to me, I might even have to *gasp* give up my sleep to fit them in. *Hangs head and cries a little* (If you're one of those annoying perky morning people you will not understand the depth of this sacrifice.)


I just hope someday, someone tells Pumpkin that his mommy loved him SO MUCH she gave up her warm cozy bed in order to (verb) love him better. Because this just might kill me.