Tuesday, August 23, 2011

One of "those" days

I know that I know people who will relate to this and know exactly what I'm talking about.

Today has been one of those days where I simply can not control my emotions, get out of this funk, and off the roller coaster.

It hasn't been a bad day. In fact it's been a pretty good day.

But I want to cry, have cried, and don't have any sort of motivation to speak of.

And I had such big plans for today. A giant to-do list of things that would be much easier to get done on a day when it's just me and Griffin (instead of Timmy and/or Pax in the mix).

What will probably happen is I'll snap out of it just in time to not be able to sleep tonight:)

I hate these days. Thankfully they don't happen often!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Spoiler Alert

Just finished watching a movie, Nothing But the Truth (2008), and despite being so tired climbing the stairs is hard- I can't sleep. My mind is all a whirl and my heart is sad.

The movie is based on a reporter refusing to reveal her source. Her source just happened to name an undercover CIA agent. So the reporter spends almost a full year in jail, being held in contempt of court and standing her ground. Somewhere around the 300 day mark, the CIA agent is shot and killed in her own driveway by a far-right political activist. The reporter loses her husband and her own son fighting this battle. THEN she ends up spending 1-2 more years in prison for criminal contempt of court. Although I guessed it earlier, the movie waits until the very end to reveal to you that her source is actually the CIA agent's six year old daughter.

I'm laying awake wondering if I would be willing to protect another child at the cost of my own. I know the story is fictional but the reporter makes a comment, after the killing of the agent, that pierced my mommy's heart. She said something along the lines of, "I can not give up my source and have them forever publicly branded as the cause of the agent's death. That would destroy my source, of that I am sure."

Wow.

This coming after last night's post where I feel like I branded all instigators as "bad". There is always a time in which the correct and appropriate thing to do is stand and fight. I think about all the civil rights activists who risked so much, and the political activists of numerous revolutions who have changed and are changing the world.

I'm just left wondering what would I find important enough to fight for that would require me giving up Griffin. I am so in love with this little man! I would automatically, without thinking about it for a minute, give up my life for his. But is there anything out there that I would give up time with him (3 years in jail/prison) for?!

Part of my heavy heart is because no one in this story won. The reporter ended up divorced and losing her son. The CIA agent ended up divorced and losing custody of her daughter before being killed. AND the supreme court sides with the federal government instead of the reporter saying that in the case of national security, first amendment rights are not protected. (Or something like that).

Yeesh. How do you sleep after all that.

This is why people either love or hate to watch movies with me. I get so into them (just like my books) that I react, often very emotionally...and even more often, out loud. I had a friend in college who insisted on seeing all 3 Lord of the Rings movies with me after he saw the first one with me because he described it as being on a roller coaster sitting next to me.

I feel like I need to mourn for these two fictional families.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Gentleness

I've been praying for wisdom on how to best teach Griffin to sleep through the night because I simply can not let him cry it out. Many, many, many great parents that I know have used cry it out and recommend it. But I can't do it.

When I hear the advice, "They may cry for 2 or 3 hours the first couple nights but then they'll go right to sleep", it physically makes me hurt. I can not imagine leaving my baby alone to cry for 3 hours until he finally gives up and goes to sleep.

There HAS to be a more gentle way to teach him how to sleep all night in his own bed.

Part of our problem is that he's just like me. Busy. So he plays HARD all day, stopping just to snack, and then likes to eat all night. He doesn't wake up to play but he does eat every 1-2 hours at night....STILL. (Although, in all fairness, this is a recent development. Awhile back he was going every 3-4 hours).

A couple weeks, maybe a month ago, I decided I was going to force him into a day-time eating schedule so that he wouldn't be as hungry at night and sleep longer/better. I quickly realized that was a battle I didn't want to fight. To get him to eat a real meal, not just a snack, during the day, I have to lie down with him in a  quiet dark room for 15-30 minutes. Time I don't have when I'm caring for a 2 year old and/or a 4 month old. Maybe if I only had one kid, this would work. Despite my quick abandonment of this plan, something awesome resulted. We now have our first, albeit very loose, schedule. Griffin "sleeps" from 7pm-7am, with a nap around 9am and 3pm. Of course all of those times can vary from 1-3 hours but in general my day will follow something close to that schedule.

So although it didn't go as planned, I do feel like I prayed for and listened to God's guidance for this particular baby. Tonight as I was putting Griffin to sleep, I felt like I heard that same voice guiding me in the next "plan".

I'm going to try to start forcing Griffin into a night eating schedule. I'm going to give up on the hope of a full nights sleep for now and try to only feed him every 3-4 hours at night. This takes some major commitment on my part because feeding him ensures that I (me, mommy) gets back to sleep the quickest. But if I'm willing to commit my time I am capable of getting him back to sleep by singing to him, rubbing his back, and just letting him cry.

The difference between what I do and cry it out...I'm with him and comforting him. I never leave him for long stretches of time. As long as he's laying down and cooperating, I will comfort him- read to him, sing, hum, rub his back, etc. If he sits up or stands up, I tell him "It's bedtime Griffin, good-night, I love you." Then I walk out of his room and shut the door and wait 2-3 minutes (or go do a load of laundry, etc). Then I go back in and lay him down (without picking him up) and start the whole process again. The most I've ever had to leave his room is 4 times.

So, I fully expect something awesome to come from this. I would also wager that its not what I would expect. But he is old enough and big enough to start learning and understanding that his crib is a safe place and that mommy will ALWAYS hear and respond to his cries.

I love this adventure!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Rough waters

I had big plans for August...so the waters got rough and I'm hanging on for dear life!

Not a single workout.

Way too much emotional eating.

A lot of anger.

Some tears.

Smiles too.

But man its been rough.

Hoping things start to calm down. Praying for guidance and rest.

It's been a long time since I've felt this raw. And inadequate. And confused. And mad. And far from God.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Off to a rough start

I told you I hate the word "diet". And for good reason. It's not maintainable if its not a life-style change. And changing your life-style isn't easy. Especially when you've bitten off more than you can chew and you're too busy to adequately prepare healthy meals and snacks (appropriate analogy wouldn't you say:).

So, on day two of my August "diet", I failed miserably with food and didn't get a workout in either.

I'm going to try and do something new with this though. I'm going to try not to care and get right back to it tomorrow. Usually, I have to wait until the next Monday or 1st of the month or whatever. I like to make "fresh" starts and do things perfectly. I know, I know, that's totally unrealistic so...

here's to tomorrow. A fresh start!