Fail

Day two and I've already 'failed'. It's 10pm and I'm just now getting to my 2 big rocks.

And it's obvious that of all days I should have started with God, this is one of them. I have SO, so, SO far to go- God has his work cut out for him! That's the honest part. I'm not perfect. I'm a task oriented person. My people skills are by biggest weakness.

The other part is I'm feeling really attacked tonight. Like all the voices in my head are beating me down. And there's only one someone who thinks that means victory. Ephesians 6:12 "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

Even knowing that, it's a hard fight. My spirit is wounded and Satan know right where to hit and what words to use.

Tonight, especially, I miss having a small group. But God moved all but one of them out of state (and that one he took to Africa for a year). Praying Pleading with God to bring me a new one. I need one desperately if I'm going to survive marriage and parenthood and life.

A thousand things

Beth Moore has said it twice in the last five weeks, "You can't do a thousand things well. Do a few things and do them well."

It seems my life is a pendulum swinging past 'balance' until I reach one extreme or the other.

Although, as I age I feel like I'm getting better at saying 'no' and thinking before I say 'yes'. Marrying my husband, a true introvert (I'm a 'barely' introvert) has also changed the amount of 'stuff' I do and commit to (although probably not as much as he would like, it is much less than I used to do).

And I've been thinking about what needs to be done better and what needs to be cut as I adjust to parenting two littles.

I've got a few major commitments in the next couple weeks, the pendulum is way too far over in the 'thousand things poorly' side currently. I'm really looking forward to pushing it back towards balance....just in time for summer and maybe even spend some time as a family in the 'too few we're on vacation' side. :)

It's a constant ebb and flow, and I'm okay with that. It's just a re-evaluate kind of moment for me.

Mostly, I want to 'do' raising my boys and having an awesome marriage right. All else is 'extra' and I need to hold it with open hands, God can ask me to give any of it up at anytime and I need to be ready to say, 'Okay.'

Thinking...

Balance

I imagine I will address the topic of balance frequently as it seems to be the thing most missing in my life right now. Tonight though I'm contemplating balancing a healthy body with the realities of breastfeeding, teething, and broken sleep. I'm fairly open about my experience with bulemia during college but the opportunity to talk about it doesn't present itself often. Because of my personal experience with it, and the experiences of other close to me with both bulemia and anorexia, I am very aware that our American culture puts a lot of pressure on everyone, but women especially, to look a certain way. I am very aware of chosing to want to be healthy not just skinny. So I try to use more than the scale to evaluate my body. With all of that said, I would still like to look like a model and still struggle with liking what I see in the mirror. And what I see in the mirror post-baby is even harder to like. So I'm trying, very hard, to maintain my mental balance. I need to 1) love me (my body) as a vessel of life and accept that it will never  look the same again and 2) I do need to lose weight and build back some muscle tone. The problem with this plan...his name is Griffin, he's about 20lbs, in the process of teething, and he still wakes up on average 3-5 times a night. Except lately, it's been every 30-90 minutes!

So now I'm struggling (read thinking about it all the time) with wanting to work out, wanting to start losing weight and getting back into shape and waiting patiently for the proper time to do so, without waiting too long of course. Balance, balance, balance. It's so easy, in theory. The plan for now, is to make wise choices with food. Sleep (nap) as often as possible. And make working out a higher priority. We have a treadmill in the garage, I own multiple workout dvds, and I have an assortment of strollers to choose from depending on the number of kids I have that day. And in theory, the weather should be getting nicer and warmer since its already mid-June!

I should probably start this new plan by saying goodnight! The baby's been sleeping for almost 2 hours and I've enjoyed some facebook time, a game of spider solitare, and a shower (all by myself!). Who knows? This could be the night he sleeps all night long. Or he'll wake me up just after I drift off again! But I love it and wouldn't change a thing.