I haven't been writing much lately. Or reading much either- as far as the blog world goes. It's more than just busy-ness. It's mostly that when I sit down to write (or read), it's just not in me. The tide is out so to speak.
Today I've been really fighting negative thoughts and feelings. Which is no surprise since we just talked about this last night in my book group at church. We're reading The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian and chapter 20 is all about refusing to be controlled by negative thoughts, feelings, depression, envy, etc. I wonder how many of the women from last night have had a rough day today too? I definitely feel under attack.
Maybe that's why I wanted to write tonight. To talk about how, even though I appear to be a strong, has-it-all-together, happy person...I really just want to be wanted, liked, and welcome.
Our house is on the market, we're finally trying to sell. And so we're looking for something to rent or buy. And on days like this I'm looking farther and farther away from my community, church, and family because I don't always feel wanted, liked, or welcome.
In fact, last night at church, I saw flyers for our annual church retreat and I grabbed one in excitement. I didn't get to go last year and I really want to go this year. But all day today I've been wondering if I'm even courageous enough to ask if I can go. I don't even know if I will be allowed, let alone wanted and welcomed. I seriously feel like someone who's heart was broken and is scared to get back into the dating scene.
Earlier this year I wasn't allowed to go to our annual women's retreat because I would have brought my 10 week old. Because I choose to nurse on demand. Because I don't want to leave my baby so early.
And when I tried to change the rule, the response I got by so many people in my church is that babies are a distraction.
If I'm ultimately and finally honest with myself, this response has made me feel unwanted and unwelcome at a place I've considered home for almost 20 years. Except in the lobby where everyone wants to talk about how cute the babies are. But I don't want to be limited to the lobby damnit. I want me and my sons to be welcome and wanted in the service, at retreats and events. I get that they can be wiggly and noisy and distracting. But so can your phone. And unlike your phone, I matter. My boys matter. We matter to God and we should matter to you. Our presence should be welcomed and wanted as members of the family of God.
So now I'm faced with the dilemma...do I go to the church retreat with my now 5 month old son knowing full well how many people will resent me for it because I will be distracting them or do I just stay home hurt and bitter that I'm not wanted until I'm free of little people.
So there you go, the reason I'm looking for homes on the other side of the mountains or on an island far far away from here.
Just for the record, I KNOW that most of these thoughts and feelings aren't true. I know that my battle is with an enemy who wants to keep me away from good things, who wants me to live in fear, and base my choices on his whispers but I won't let him win. However, tonight the truth is my heart does hurt because of what has been said and done.
My goal is to inspire change in the attitude of my church in a healthy way. Not sure how to do that. I'll start by praying and sharing my heart whenever I get the chance. Blogging is great practice :)