Heart

We're helping my parents paint their house this summer. My dad has this week off and we're doing the prep work. It's hard work. And it's hot out. And watching my dad struggle brings up so much baggage.

When I see how hard it is for him to bend over, walk, or even just breath I get so angry. I'm angry that he is still able to hurt me by not caring for himself. I feel like if I was good enough, if he just loved me enough- or his grandsons enough- he would take better care of himself.

Why isn't he willing to do what it takes to change? Why is he okay with dying young (because he will)? Sidenote: He had a massive heart attack 5 or 6 years ago....and now weighs more than he did then. I've never seen him this unhealthy.

He was breathing hard just sitting on the couch today.

And I tell myself that I hope he just dies soon so all this will be over. I know that makes me sound heartless but it's kind of true. I'm so tired of wanting my dad to love me enough to stick around and make the changes necessary for that to happen. I'm so tired of my heart getting hurt. I'm so tired of hopes and prayers unfulfilled.

I'm tired of hurting.

And it makes me sad because I don't think he gets it. I don't think he actually believes he's worth it. I don't think he believes that God so loved him that he sent his only son to die for him, so that he could have eternal life. I don't think he believes that we, his family, love him enough to hope for him in our future memories.

It's so bad that everytime my phone rings and it's my mom, I wonder if this is 'the' phone call. Today, Griffin couldn't wake Grandpa up when he wanted a popsicle. Thank goodness he was only napping, but I'm prepared for that to actually happen soon.

I hate being so worried. I hate that I still love him. I hate that his choices hurt me and are going to hurt Griffin. I hate that Griffin is going to lose Grandpa Joe and not have a lifetime of memories of him. It hurts. And pisses me off.

I don't actually hope he dies soon. I want him to live 30 more years (he's only 57). But I also want him to be able to tie his shoes without needing to hold his breath.

Is it any wonder that I sought out and married the opposite of this. The way Ryan cares for himself and his body helps heal my heart. I know he loves us enough to do everything in his control to be around for a very long time. He makes me want to be a healthier person too. He sets such a great example and I love him so much for it.