Friday, May 11, 2012


I have been so, so, so busy lately that I have hardly had time to think- let alone write- so I feel like I have so much "stuff" built up in me I don't know how to get it all out in a pretty way.

So I'm not even going to try:)

I'm still not pregnant and I want to be so bad. I have friends who got pregnant after I started trying again and have already had their babies. THAT's how long I've been trying (13 months to be exact). Went in for an annual exam and the doc says, if we're still not expecting in 6 months to come back for more tests. I am terrified that I can't do this again. Which is silly because I've always said I wanted to adopt. And I hated being pregnant last time. And I trust God implicitly. But I still want to do it again. Badly. Very, very badly.

I've pretty much kicked the facebook habit and am LOVING life without the mindless time wasting updates that just made me depressed, angry, annoyed. The few happy ones that were worth my time weren't worth the countless hours I've wasted over the last couple years. Once Jana gets back from Australia and Tracy from Africa I might just be brave enough to completely delete my account.

Since one former addiction must be filled with a new addiction, I'm loving some new blogs! I feel like I'm in control of what is going into my head and I'm intentionally seeking out like-minded people. Mommies of varying degrees of crunchiness, some Christian, some not, but all lovers of motherhood. And I'm getting excited to seek out blogs from Christian leaders I admire and other women who are going or have gone through similar things as me. I've been "getting to know" these women through their posts...and they are inspiring me in all areas of my life! Meet DianaSuz, and Theresa (there are more...check out my blog list). Not only are they inspiring me to write more, they're helping me feel normal! HA!

I am a SINNER. Big time. Who has so far to grow. God's been working on my heart a lot lately...pretty painful stuff. And I've been fighting him. Think Jonah. Not good. I need to get on my knees...maybe even my face and submit. Yuck! I've been putting it off too long. Why can't I just be good enough? Why can't life and relationships just be easy? If only I could just wake up tomorrow "fixed". But my marriage is worth fighting for...and changing for. My son needs the best mom possible. My hubs the best wife possible. My kids the best teacher possible. God needs my best. He gave me His best and at the end of the day, all that matters is eternity. And it matters so much.

I am fat. Not obese (yet) but fat. I have to own it. The doc says lose weight. I've never weighed more (except when pregnant). Although the doc says it's not why I'm not pregnant, I worry that it is. I don't want to be the fat, lazy mom with jiggly arms. I want a better second pregnancy and delivery and it's up to me to give myself the best shot at that by getting back to a healthy weight and into shape. But just like the heart work above, I've been fighting this. Putting it off. Making excuses. Being lazy.

I hate being broke. I feel like we're never ever ever going to get ahead. I hate that every month we spend every dime and don't really have anything to show for it. I try to remind myself that between the two of us we have 4 diplomas to show for it, 1 upside down home, 2 not new cars, a house full of assorted junk, 3 full bellies and apparently 1 fat ass. Sorry, couldn't pass it up. I really don't hate myself or my life. But I would really enjoy it if someone felt like writing a check to the United States Department of Education for about $75,000. Or Wells Fargo for about $230,000. And I really hate that it's baseball season (I'm now basically a widow) and almost anyone of those players could do both for us and not even blink. Our society and culture is so screwed up. I don't know how I would survive without my Faith. I barely survive with it! Sometimes I just want to run away from it all, go off the grid, and live in the middle of Wyoming...or no where. Since I know Wyoming, I know it's pretty close to no where:)

Coming full circle, I think that's part of why facebook was getting to me so much. Not only was I spending way too much time on there...the stuff people care about and post about is rarely uplifting, encouraging, inspiring, etc. And the relationships are superficial. Status updates in one or two sentences. Just enough information so that when you actually see someone face-to-face, you feel like you don't have anything new to talk about. I don't think facebook is evil and I don't think everyone needs to give it up. But I'm an addict. I rarely do anything small. And once I start, I don't know how to quit. (Can you tell? This post is LONG!).

Anyways. Some goals, resolutions, intentions, objectives, etc for the coming days, weeks, months...for the rest of my life. 1) Prioritize God again. Quiet time/Bible reading HAS GOT to get back into my DAILY routine. Even if it doesn't happen in a routine. It's got to happen. Morning, noon, or night doesn't matter. NOTHING else will work if I don't start here. 2) My physical health has to become a priority. I want to research becoming vegan...been reading some interesting stories about living a plant-based life lately. I'll share soon. It's okay for me to prioritize this. My hubs and son will thank me in the long-run. I bet even my students too. Who knows...maybe marathon #4 is in my near future? 3) Control my time and what I put into my head. Make it good stuff. Less "waste". 4) Love people. Work on viewing them through God's eyes. I'm such a task oriented person that I tend to be cold and rude when I'm busy. It's been a freaking ice age around me lately and it's time for summer.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

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