Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Reflections

2013 has not gone as planned. That doesn't mean it was bad. It certainly doesn't mean it was easy. Life can be great. Really really great (Sullivan!) and really really hard at the same time (sleep deprivation x2!!). Take this week for example: beautiful moments of love and joy interspersed with puking, pooping, crying, sick babies and adults. Great yet hard. 

I had BIG and detailed plans/goals/resolutions, whatever you want to call them, headed into this year. And I pretty much failed at all of them. That's not automatically a bad thing but it leads me to reflection.

The irony in my failure is that I was so sure that 2013 was going to be the the year I was finally successful at achieving some of my longest held goals (weight loss anyone?) and addressing some of my biggest issues (self-improvement). My failure is so glaring it's downright laughable. So sad the only thing left to do is laugh. 

When I look at my list of goals, I literally did not achieve a single one. Not one. NOT A COTTON-PICKING ONE. 

Thankfully I read this blog (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/) by Ann VosKamp and it spoke to me so so deeply as a melancholy. 

I posted a status the other night: Is it possible to feel hopeless yet still be hopeFULL? I used the analogy that I often feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean and I've lost hope of rescue but I haven't let go of the raft yet. 

That's just where my heart is ending 2013 and beginning 2014.

feel hopeless. Logically speaking, I've given up hope of rescue.

Just about the time things start to go our way, something else breaks or a new bill shows up or whatever. For a very long time it has felt like we move 1 step forward, 2 steps backward. 

YET

I'm still hopeFULL. I'm still hanging onto the raft. Because you just never know.

Because we do keep getting those one-step-forward moments. 

Because Griffin slept through the whole night in his own bed THREE times during his birthday week in November. 

We might be the last ones "rescued" but if we just keep holding on, someday it will be our day. Our turn. 

And you know what. That list of goals for 2013. I re-read it. It's really good. And I'm cool with aiming for them again this year. Who knows? Maybe I'll cross a couple off this year. Maybe I won't. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. 

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