Monday, January 25, 2016


I knew fostering would be an emotional roller coaster. I just didn't know these particular emotions would be the ones showing up. Today has held a lot of tears. I'm blaming the 5 a.m. wake up. And God.

Today was ROUGH with mostly Sullivan but Griffin too. Sullivan is, and always has been, so agressive. I call him an asshole, jerk, bully (not to his face of course! Well, not often to his face.) Our neighbors named him Wreck-It Ralph within days of meeting him. Griffin's ears and emotions seem to be broken lately.

Today I left a friend's house and cried almost the whole way home because Sullivan hits so much. And I've tried everything, even hitting back and I was overwhelmed with feelings of failure and doubt. The voices in my head repeating all the negative things lovely people have spoken to me (sarcasm font).

Then this evening we got another call, actually we got multiple calls but we answered one with a yes! I put 4 little boys to bed and 1 big girl. (Daddy is sick and not much help). And then I sat on the couch and cried again because the whole day just felt redeemed. Not perfect, HA! Is there even such a thing with littles? Redeemed because I know God made me FOR THIS. And those voices in my head, even though they were initially spoken by real people are NOT The Voice of Truth.
I cried too because this is HARD. 24/7 and heartbreaking. And just plain sad.

Rough day, good ending. Instrumental worship music and bed are calling my name since 5 am is going to be here waywayway too soon.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

You gotta do

Have you ever known exactly what God is asking you to do but you just.don't.wanna?


No, he's not asking me to do anything like sell all our stuff and move to somewhere humid as missionaries.

No, it's much (MUCH) worse than that.

He's telling me I have to be a morning person.


Isn't that just the worst thing? Ever?! Sigh.

All joking aside, I am pretty heartbroken over this. But it's been building and now instead of whispering to my heart, He's throwing bricks at my head.

This is going to be so hard for me I decided I needed to go "public" with it. I'm going to rely on accountability so look for some fun mocking photos of my pathetic self in the next couple of days/weeks as I navigate this change. I'm starting tomorrow. It's going to be ugly.

Why? Because I truly believe HE is telling me that it will change everything. Everything that I'm praying for, everything that I'm struggling with. Everything.

And I want victory.