Sunday, April 28, 2013

highs and lows

Warning: I may say some 'truths' that shock you if you've had easy kids. If that is you, and you don't understand me at all, please kindly walk away and don't leave a comment. If what I say strikes a cord with you, by all means, feel free to commiserate!

Parenthood is nothing if not a roller-coaster.

I absolutely honestly love being a mom. I could even see myself with more than two. I've always wanted to adopt and currently, could see myself surviving another pregnancy. 

Now that that's established...

There are times when it literally takes every ounce of self-control not to hurt my boys. Like when Easter Egg has been crying screaming non-stop for over an hour no matter what I do. And Pumpkin Pie needs me. And I just want some alone/grown-up time. 

I really can understand parents who snap and shake their babies. Obviously I don't condone it, but I understand it. It shocks me how much self control it takes to lay your baby down gently and walk away. This being that you carried and birthed and would die for can make you feel like you are ready for the loony bin. Like, for reals. 

Tonight while I was crying, Easter Egg was screaming, and Pumpkin Pie was trying to fall asleep (bed time lasted over TWO hours!) I was doing some heavy thinking and I really wanted to share because I don't think I'm alone in these thoughts. Or at least I hope I'm not! 

When Pumpkin was a baby, since he was my only, I was able to take care of his needs faster/easier and I wasn't stretched as thin. With Egg, I can't focus on him the same way. Pumpkin still needs me. The hubs still needs me. And I still need me. So, in order to let him just lay there and scream (since nothing I did was working), I feel like I have to turn something inside of me off. And when I have it turned off, I don't like me. I feel cold. Heartless. Disconnected. 

And I don't like it one bit. It makes me worry that I won't have a close relationship with Egg the same way I do with Pumpkin. It makes me worry that we shouldn't have had Egg and that I can't handle more, even though I want to. 

And then I started thinking about the enemy and how he loves to discourage us when we're doing what we're supposed to be doing. And I realize that these thoughts have to be from him. The God I love and serve would never "talk" like this. 

Because the other thing that having a gasy baby has made me realize is that there are thousands of babies around the globe that are left to just cry and scream until something inside of them breaks and they don't cry anymore. 

And that breaks my heart. Like tears streaming down my face right now, breaks my heart. And I know it breaks God's heart. And I know Satan would love to keep me from loving just one of those orphans by making me feel defeated in my parenting. 

I don't know if we'll ever adopt. I don't know the how God has called us to or the when but I do know that I'll do what he asks. It may be as simple as we keep renting to single moms and loving their kids and creating crazy little sort-of families. It may mean we support an organization financially. It may mean I pray. A lot. It may mean I keep reading all these incredible adoption blogs and just being passionate about something I don't ever get to directly participate in. 

What I can do is love my boys. Stay connected to them. Show them Jesus. 

And give Satan the finger. 

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